


my heart feels brighter than ever (because darling, it loves yours)

by colorfullysarah



Series: and you'll find love etched into your heart [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Fluff and Angst, Healthy communication alert!!!!!!, Insecure Katsuki Yuuri, Insecure Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, The angst isn't too heavy I promise, They just want to be happy ok and support each other however they can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 08:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13567020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorfullysarah/pseuds/colorfullysarah
Summary: The blush returns full force but it doesn’t seem to phase Viktor at all, in fact he’s starting to think that Viktor likes it when hedoesblush. “I’m really the reason you’re able to show everyone how beautifully you skate?”And Viktor sounds and looks so...happy about it that he can’t bring himself to brush off how much Viktor as a skater has meant to him over the last eleven years. “Yes,” he whispers and his breath hitches when Viktor squeezes his hands upon the answer.Did Taiki ever look at Mari like this? He can’t remember and he thinks that’s telling enough because there’s no way he’ll ever forget how Viktor’s eyes have softened at his confession.“I’m glad you decided I was worthy enough to inspire you.”Theyou still dogoes unspoken.. . .Or a soulmate au where they meet, Yuuri struggles to wrap his head around the changes in his life after Sochi, mistakes are made along the way and they discover that love takes a lot of work but oh is it worth it.





	my heart feels brighter than ever (because darling, it loves yours)

**Author's Note:**

> And here's the second part to my lil soulmate au for these boys! :) 
> 
> I highly recommend you read the first story which is told in Viktor's POV because I won't be rehashing many scenes from the other fic, rather this one fills in some of the gaps between those scenes. So, I don't want anyone being confused about the time jumps/scene jumps as a result. 
> 
> Like I said in the previous story, there is a brief discussion between Viktor and Yuuri about their respective mental illnesses. It's nothing too heavy but I just wanted to let you know so you could prepare yourself if need be. Opening up about their struggles and trusting each other to accept every part of them is extremely important to their journey of falling in love. 
> 
> However, in this story, there are a couple scenes where Yuuri experiences a brief anxiety/panic attack. I do not go into extreme detail or drag it out for the sake of drama/word count but they happen so please keep that in mind while you read this fic so you can read safely. <333
> 
> Also, I did my best to be as accurate as possible with how competitive figure skating works (in this fic and the previous one as well), but unfortunately I'm both new to being a fan of the sport and research can only take me so far. So I apologize if I got any of it wrong!
> 
> Sidenote, I apologize for any typos ahead of time I always try to catch all of them before I post a story but alas I am only human with no beta reader haha.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy Yuuri's side of things and I hope I did these characters and the messages the show tries to convey justice. <3

 

 _what is stronger_  
_than the human heart_  
_which shatters over and over_  
_and still lives_

**\- rupi kapur**

 

He’s born with the Words _‘Commemorative photo? Sure thing!’_ written on his wrist in pale beige and everyone in the room immediately coos how he’s lucky to be born already cherished by someone somewhere in the world.

After all, those born second in a pair are considered to be lucky. Most people around the world who have Words written into the delicate skin on the inside of their wrists are thought to have brighter souls, live happier lives and are usually given better opportunities in life even though almost everyone would deny such a thing happens.

But this is not entirely the case with Katsuki Yuuri.

 

. . .

 

He’s four the first time he trails after Mari to her ballet class with Minako-sensei and his sister rolls her eyes but does nothing to stop him so he just grins and giggles until they step into the studio.

There’s already a handful of kids inside and he immediately shies away from their eyes and hides behind Mari. By now his sister is used to this and simply allows herself to be a protective barrier until Minako-sensei bounds into the room, loud but full of a kind of grace he can’t help but awe at.

“I see you brought little Yuuri today,” Minako-sensei teases when she catches sight of him clutching the strap of Mari’s bag. “Do you want to watch?”

Even though he knows it’s silly to be shy around Minako-sensei he can’t bring himself to actually speak so he nods instead. If she’s bothered by his silence she doesn’t show it, instead she smiles down at him with an odd look in her eyes. “Alright, that’s fine. Why don’t you go sit over there?”

It takes all of two minutes of watching the older kids dance across the room to fall in love. Any shyness he felt earlier is gone by the time the class is over and he bounds up to Mari who’s still talking to Minako-sensei. “I want to dance like that!” he shouts and tugs at Mari’s hand as he looks up at her with wide, bright eyes.

Mari and Minako-sensei laugh at him and his first reaction is to scrunch up his nose as he feels tears fill his eyes from embarrassment but they’re quickly forgotten about when Minako-sensei crouches down in front of him and says, “If you really want to learn ballet, Yuuri, I’ll be happy to teach you.”

Oh. They weren’t laughing at him because he said something stupid.

“Really?” he asks when Mari squeezes his hand.

Minako-sensei nods and that odd look in her eyes is back but he doesn’t think it’s a bad thing. “Of course. I’ll let your mama know what time your class is. Make sure you aren’t late.”

He didn’t know you could smile so wide it hurt your face but he doesn’t care because he’s going to learn ballet! He’s going to dance as pretty as Minako-sensei one day he knows it! “I won’t! I promise!”

 

. . .

 

When he’s six years old Mari stops doing ballet. Minako-sensei doesn’t seem at all surprised by this but Yuuri is and his nose scrunches up as the first tears fall. His sister is a teenager now and he knows she won’t want to hang out with him like they used to in his fuzzy memories so ballet is the only thing they could still share.

Now even that’s gone and he’ll have no friends again.

Mari finds him hidden away in the gardens even though he could have swore he had picked out the best hiding spot ever to cry. She doesn’t say anything just sits down next to him until his breaths have evened and he feels wrung out.

“Why are you crying?” she asks finally.

He sniffles and rubs his nose against the sleeve of his shirt. “It’s nothing,” he mumbles because he doesn’t want to talk about it, hates that she saw him crying. The other kids in school make fun of him every time he cries, they tell him he shouldn’t because he’s too big and his soul is brighter so he should only be happy.

Mari shoots him a look of disbelief. “If it’s nothing then you wouldn’t have cried.”

He gives her the best glare he can muster. It does absolutely nothing which only frustrates him further. Why couldn’t he be like Mari? She always knows what she wants and nothing bothers her! It isn’t fair…

“Yuuri,” she says but this time he can hear concern in her voice.

“Youquitballet,” he mumbles as he looks away.

It’s silent for a few moments before he hears her sigh. It makes him flinch because of course he’s being dumb and he shouldn’t be as upset as he is and Mari’s about to tell him that -

Her hand musses up his hair and he squawks at her batting her hand away. “Mari-neechan!” he whines because his hair is already messy enough even though he _swears_ he brushes it every morning.

“Yeah, I quit because I don’t love it like you do and it isn’t fair to Minako-sensei that I keep taking classes if I’m not having fun,” she says, completely unfazed by his annoyance. “Is that all or is something else bothering you too?”

He looks away from her then because her eyes are far too knowing and he hates it, hates when people see him like this. “You won’t play with me anymore now,” he admits because he thinks maybe if he just tells her the truth she’ll leave him alone.

This time when she touches him it’s just on his shoulder so she can force him to look at her again. “Just because I’m not doing ballet anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still play together. What made you think that?”

He shakes off her hand and wraps his arms around his knees. “Because I’m just a little kid and you have lots of friend your age so why would you want to play with me?”

He knows why because it’s the same reason none of the other kids in his class want to play with him either. Because he’s that weird kid who can’t seem to talk to anyone without getting nervous even though he doesn’t know _why_ he’s so nervous and he shouldn’t be like this because he has Words on his wrist instead of his chest so something must be wrong with him.

“Well that’s just dumb,” Mari says breaking him from his thoughts. “You’re way cooler than my friends at school. I would choose playing with you over hanging out with them any day. All you have to do is just ask.”

All he can do is stare at her with wide eyes at the unexpected words. Mari just rolls her eyes but there’s a smile tugging at her lips that puts him at ease. “C’mon dummy papa wants us to help with dinner.”

And that was that.

 

. . .

 

Two days later after ballet class ends, Minako-sensei frowns down at him. The other kids are chatting on the other side of the room, gathering their things as their parents or older siblings swoop in to collect him. Neither Mari or his parents have arrived yet though that doesn’t really bother him. They must be busy at the onsen or with school.

He knows the way back home and Minako-sensei is always up to walking him home if she doesn’t have to teach any more classes the rest of the day.

Today’s one of those days so he figures they’re going to go straight back to the onsen after everyone else has left, instead Minako-sensei frowns for another beat before breaking out into a smile. He doesn’t understand why she’s smiling so he frowns and clutches his bag close to his chest. “Why are you smiling like that?” he asks.

It only makes her smile wider. “We’re gonna go ice skating!”

And then she dances out the door, leaving him to stare at the now empty space she had occupied in shock. Minako-sensei always confuses him but when she pops her head back inside with that particular frown on her face he scrambles to follow after her.

The walk to Ice Castle Hasetsu isn’t a long one from Minako’s studio and when they enter there are kids closer to Mari’s age laughing at the far end of the lobby. Thankfully, they don’t seem to notice him yet, still in his leotard and tights because he knows they will make fun of him if they see and why didn’t Minako-sensei let him change first?

Out of the corner of his eye he sees a weird looking car thing gliding across the ice and he turns to stare as he tries to figure out what it could possibly be doing.

“Yuuri,” Minako-sensei’s voice pulls his gaze back and he looks up to see a kind woman smiling down at him with a pair of small skates in her hand. He reaches up on his tiptoes and grabs them from her muttering a soft ‘thank you’ as he does.

They put their skates on in silence once they’re sitting down on the bleachers near the rink. The weird car thing is gone now and he tries to figure out where it can possibly have gone in the short time he looked away.

“Alright kiddo we have an hour of open skating before a class starts, you think you can get the hang of it before then?” Minako-sensei asks him when they’re all finished and he feels nervous because an hour doesn’t seem like a long time…

He nods anyway.

As soon as he hobbles to the edge of the rink he immediately feels nervous because his skates are sharp and the ice looks hard and if he falls it’s going to hurt he knows it and -

Minako-sensei glides onto the ice with just as much grace as she possesses in her studio. It’s almost unfair but as always he can’t look away from the pretty spins she performs. She gives him a pointed look when she sees he hasn’t moved his wobbly feet to step onto the ice yet and he feels embarrassed at having been caught being afraid.

So he takes his first step onto the ice and -

Immediately falls.

Minako-sensei doesn’t laugh, instead she helps him up and they spend what feels like forever holding hands as she leads him around the edge of the rink in slow circles. Suddenly, she lets go though and he wobbles, barely managing to stay upright on his feet after a lot of flailing.

This time Minako-sensei does laugh.

“There you go, I knew you’d get the hang of it,” she says and he stares up at her because that’s her proud voice, the one she uses back in her studio when he learns a new dance she had given him.

He beams.

After that skating isn’t all that bad and by the end of the hour he’s giggling as he tries to copy Minako-sensei’s spins. He falls every time but now falling doesn’t seem so scary.

“Wow, that was really good!”

He slips and falls back to the ice at the sound of a girls voice nearby. When he finds where she’s standing she looks like she feels bad for making him fall. “Sorry!” she cries as she skates out onto the ice to help him stand back up. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Oh, it’s um okay,” he mumbles and quickly looks down at his feet.

The girl giggles and he flinches because of course she’d laugh at him, he just fell doing something he’s sure babies can do. “Is this your first time skating?” she asks brightly and immediately he thinks of the way the sun looks when its setting after a long summer day.

He nods because was it really that obvious?

“Wow!” she says again. “You’re really, really good for a beginner!”

And this is the precise moment that Minako-sensei finally swoops in and hopefully doesn’t embarrass him even further. He shoots her a look out of the corner of his eye as if daring her to do something embarrassing.

She just shoots him a grin back as she stands beside him. “It’s cause he does ballet,” she says and just as he’s about to succumb to embarrassment the girl’s eyes brighten and she claps her hands together.

“Really? That’s so cool!”

He feels his face heat up and he quickly looks down at his rented skates, “Thanks,” he mumbles and this is the part where other kids usually think he’s weird or get mad that he isn’t as excited as them.

Neither of those things happen, instead the girl does a little twirl of happiness in her spot and grabs his hands. “I hope you come back. If you do I can show you a few more spins, you seemed to have fun with those!”

He jerks his gaze back up and looks at her with wide eyes because...did she just?

Minako-sensei nudges him lightly and he stumbles slightly to keep his balance. “Um, y-yeah that would be fun,” he mutters and hopes the girl understood him. It’s something he’s been trying to work on since he started school and his teachers would tell him they couldn’t understand what he’s saying when called on for answers.

But based on her wide smile, Yuuri thinks she heard him just fine and he can’t help but smile back because he thinks he just made a friend, like a real proper friend and when he tells Mari she’s gonna be proud.

“I’m Yuuko by the way, my parents own this place so feel free to ask them if I’m here whenever you stop by!” She waves at him as she skates to the other end of the rink and performs a beautiful spin that makes Yuuri excited to come back soon.

The speakers over their head announce that the public skate is ending in ten minutes so Yuuri follows Minako-sensei off the ice and only wobbles a few times as he tries to balance on one skate but he beams when he manages without falling.

 

. . .

 

“Yuuri! You have to come watch this with me!”

Yuuko’s voice is bright and pulls him from his thoughts about all the chores he still has to do once he gets home as he unlaces his skates. When he looks over his shoulder he sees Yuuko waving a tape at him completely ignoring Nishigori’s annoyed expression.

He raises an eyebrow, silently asking her what she wants him to watch before he goes back home and she just laughs. “It’s the Junior World’s competition,” she explains and waves the tape at him again.

Well...he had wanted to watch the competition live but couldn’t because it started in the middle of the night for them. He figures his parents won’t mind if he’s a little late getting home from the rink so he stuffs his skates into his bag and sits down on the bench in front of the little TV tucked away in the back of the lobby.

(Yuuri knew Yuuko’s parents put it there because they probably got tired of watching the competitions back at home for the tenth time.)

Pleased with herself, Yuuko inserts the tape and the three of them sit on the bench watching kids only a couple years older than himself (or in Yuuko and Nishigori’s case their age) glide across the ice. It’s a huge competition and he honestly tries to pay attention to each one but his mind drifts until the last skater circles the rink.

Immediately, his gaze is pulled back to the TV by a sudden flash of silver out of the corner of his eye and he can’t stop watching, can’t even fathom looking away as the teenager completes his routine. Nishigori is snickering beside him but he doesn’t care because this skater is _beautiful_.

And this skater also happens to shatter world records while he’s at it.

“That’s Viktor Nikiforov!” Yuuko exclaims beside him, bubbly and excited that her favorite skater managed to win. And maybe they should feel bad for not paying this close attention to their own countryman but he can’t find it in himself because Viktor outshined them all.

About a half hour later he bursts into the onsen and barely remembers to kick off his shoes by the door before he’s rushing to find one of his parents.

As he’s making his way through the inn, his dad is the first family member he happens across and he barely contains himself to a power walk instead of a run as he calls out, “Dad!”

Thankfully his dad hears him before disappearing back into the kitchen and he turns with a smile on his face though his eyebrows raise and Yuuri realizes he must look like he ran all the way home from the Ice Castle (which...is what happened).

“Did you have fun at the rink?” his dad asks and he hears the amusement clear as day.

He rolls his eyes but the smile tugging at his lips totally ruins the effect he was trying to go for. (Honestly, he always has fun ice skating do they even need to ask anymore?) “Yeah I did. I managed to land a double toe loop,” he pauses here before pressing on. “And then we watched the some of the Junior Worlds and um, I was wondering if I could use the computer actually…”

“Oh? What for?”

At this, he barely manages to keep himself from fidgeting where he stands. “There’s a skater I really liked so, um, I was hoping maybe I could get a poster of him?”

He’ll talk to both his parents after dinner about his decision to pursue skating seriously but for now he can at least get away with just asking his dad about this.

Five minutes later he’s sitting at the computer with his dad standing at his shoulder as they navigate a website in English that sells Viktor Nikiforov posters and ships to Japan. It takes him twenty minutes to finally narrow it down to the two his dad said he could get because frankly he wants each one they come across.

Two weeks later when the posters arrive in the mail, he grins as he pins them to the wall across from his bed. One day he’ll be able to skate on the same ice as Viktor but for now he’s got a lot of work to do to catch up.

 

. . .

 

He’s helping his mom in the kitchen when the door is suddenly slammed open so hard it rattles the frame. Their mom frowns and turns to reprimand Mari but whatever words she was about to say never get said out loud because Mari’s grin is wide as she blurts, “I met my soulmate!”

And he can’t help the way his jaw drops in surprise as their mom darts forward to draw Mari into a bone crushing hug. There’s no standard age someone meets their soulmate, some are lucky enough to meet each other as kids and grow up together (Yuuko and Nishigori fall into that category) and others wait decades before the person their soul is most compatible with shows up.

He watches as their mom ask a dozen and one questions about what they’re like and he barely manages to catch that her soulmate is a guy a couple years older than her named Taiki and that he lived in Fukuoka.

By the time Mari’s finishes talking their dad’s wandered into the kitchen to find out what’s causing all the sudden noise and as soon as he learns about Taiki he’s just as excited as Mari and mom.

“And he wants to come meet all of you tomorrow!” she exclaims and he immediately fidgets where he stands slightly behind the rest of them keeping an eye on the meal him and his mom had been in the middle of cooking.

Meeting new people always makes him nervous because half the time he ends up making a total fool of himself. But this should be different right? This is Mari’s soulmate. The universe wouldn’t match Mari with someone who’ll make fun of him and feel bad about himself, right? But then again he was old enough now to understand that not all soulmate matches worked out. That sometimes the universe is wrong.

Later, after dinner’s been served to the guests and they all settle around their private table to eat their own food Mari settles in next to him. Their parents are chatting excitedly about what needs to be done before Taiki arrives and he tries to find the same excitement within himself.

After all, he wants Mari to be excited when he meets his soulmate so he should do the same for her.

“Penny for your thoughts?” she asks him in English when they’re nearly done eating and he gives her a strange look because he understands the words but not what she’s trying to ask him.

All she does is shrug. “You want to be a competitive figure skater right?” she continues in English and when he nods she shoots him a smile. “Which means you should practice your English then so you can talk to the other skaters, Viktor is fluent in English right?”

Oh. He didn’t really think about that. He still has to wait until he’s thirteen to compete on an international level so he’s mostly just been focused on training and getting his routines down so he’s prepared when he can finally try.

Mari’s smile turns into a smirk and he shoots her a wary look. “How else will you be able to flirt with him?” she teases.

He gapes at her. “Mari-neechan!” he shouts and feels his cheeks flare with heat. “I-I wouldn’t do that! I have a soulmate that would be so mean to them if I did!”

She laughs and sets her chopsticks down. “But what if he’s your soulmate? I mean have you ever wondered why you like him the most out of all the skaters?”

What’s gotten into Mari? It’s no secret that he admires Viktor but it’s almost cruel of her to put a hope into his heart that will probably be crushed when he’s older. He knows she means well but still...it’s not something funny to tease him about. It never does anyone any good to hope a certain person is their soulmate because most of the time it only ends in disappointment.

He frowns at her before turning away from her and looking down at the katsudon his mother made for his win at the regional competition yesterday.

“Hey,” Mari’s voice is softer now and that’s the only reason he peeks at her from out of the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t very fair of me.”

Well at least she admits it.

“How about this? I’ll make it up to you by bringing Taiki over while you’re skating. That way you’ll have worked out your anxiety about meeting him by the time you get back.”

And okay that’s actually really nice of her. She knows skating always helps settle him down when something is stressing him out or his mind just decides to make so much noise he can’t seem to hear anything else but the overlapping thoughts. “Alright...thank you.”

The next morning Yuuri tries to center his thoughts, it’s Saturday which means he usually spends the morning with Yuuko and Nishigori skating and then helping Yuuko’s mom teach the novice class full of four to seven year olds.

What he’s attempting to avoid thinking about though is that Mari’s soulmate is coming over around lunch time and by the time he gets to Ice Castle he’s mostly succeeded. Yuuko takes one look at him though, grabs his wrist and drags him to the rink before shoving him onto the ice the moment his skates are on.

She doesn’t say anything, just joins him as they do a couple warm up laps before doing some compulsory figures. By the time Nishigori’s joined them he’s mostly forgotten about why he’s so nervous about meeting Taiki, laughing instead when Nishigori tries to do a spin and falls out of it and showing him how to do it again and again until the older boy gets it. Both of them know Nishigori won’t be able skate like him the older they get, it’s already clear that Nishigori will be stocky rather than slim once his growth spurt is done.

For now though, they enjoy themselves.

Some of his nerves come rocketing back when he’s changed out of his sweatpants and athletic shirt and into regular clothes and Nishigori punches him in the arm, nearly knocking him over in the process. “Just remember Yutopia is your house, your turf and you’ll be fine.”

Surprisingly, Nishigori’s words help a little.

When he walks through the front door he knows immediately that Taiki is already here, sees the unfamiliar pair of shoes tucked neatly beside Mari’s - where _his_ shoes normally go.

He tries to take a deep breath and mostly succeeds though he definitely feels like something is sitting on his chest because it feels heavy, the way it does whenever he messes up a jump and lands wrong on the ice with the wind knocked out of him.

Slipping past the dining room where he can hear his family’s voices chatter happily he quickly dumps his skating gear in his room and tries to take another deep breath. This time he’s a little less successful but the world isn’t fuzzy at the edges of his vision so he’s still fine.

Everyone’s laughing at some joke Taiki must’ve told right before he made his way downstairs again and when Mari notices him hovering near the entryway she rolls her eyes but her lips tug her smile a little wider. “There you are,” she says and now everyone is staring at him.

Taiki looks nice and his smile doesn’t seem forced when he turns it on Yuuri so he edges his way further into the room and sits down near his parents. “Your little brother is adorable,” Taiki says to Mari, eyes still fixed on him.

He feels his cheeks warm at the words and his mom chuckles beside him. Mari rolls her eyes again. “He’s alright I guess,” she replies and sticks out her tongue at him.

And that more than anything settles his nerves enough to have a conversation with Taiki about random things but mostly what Taiki does in university and Yuuri’s decision to take figure skating seriously. Mari still treats him the same and he suddenly remembers a quiet moment in the gardens six years ago now where he worried Mari wouldn’t hang out with him anymore after quitting ballet.

They’re still family and she’s still one of his best friends even though she has her soulmate now.

Everything’ll be okay.

 

. . .

 

He’s completely exhausted from his afternoon training both at the rink and in ballet studio. His first serious competitions start up once the summer is over and Minako-sensei and Yuuko’s mom have been running him ragged most days.  

Currently he’s sprawled out across one of the tables in the public dining area with Vicchan curled up next to him as his dad shouts at the TV over some soccer game he’s been watching the past hour. He’s honestly tried to pay attention and figure out what makes his dad love the sport so much but his brain doesn’t have enough room in it right now for anything other than school and skating.

“Hiroko, please sit,” his father says gently when his mom practically dances in with another drink from him and the other patrons. “You haven’t sat down since breakfast.”

And it’s sweet really how much his parents dote on each other. They were some of the lucky ones, finding each other when they were barely teenagers and they’ve had decades now to become attuned to each other in a way that leaves everyone both envious and feeling warm.

He wants their easy love and acceptance of each other with his soulmate one day.

Just as he’s about to doze off right there on the table with fingers tangled in Vicchan's fur, his parents voices rise and soon he hears Mari’s voice too but something about it is off…

Wait, Mari?

Sitting up abruptly he turns and looks at his sister who wasn’t due back from her visit with Taiki until tomorrow night so why is she back already?

Their mom takes one look at Mari and ushers all of them into their private family room. Vicchan takes one look at Mari before trotting over and curling up in her lap. He tries not to stare at Mari, really he does but it’s hard to look away when he can see clear as day that Mari’s been crying. She’s doing her best to pretend she didn’t, brushing away their father’s concern, but he knows that red puffiness, the splotchy complexion across her cheeks.

He knows because he sees all those signs in the mirror every time he cries.

“Mari…” their mom trails off and it’s so weird to see her so hesitant. This only adds another layer of shock to the whole situation and he’s left trying to claw out from underneath it all to understand what is even happening.

Mari shakes her head before taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders. “Taiki won’t be coming to visit anymore and I won’t be going to visit him either.”

Silence follows those words and immediately his heart begins to race in his chest because does Mari mean…?

“He fell in love with someone else. I’m going to take a nap it’s been a long couple days. Wake me up for dinner.”

And then she scoops up Vicchan, rises to her feet and disappears up the stairs. Once she’s gone all he can do is sit in complete silence with his parents as her words settle in their minds. Taiki fell in love with someone else? How? They only met a year ago? Is it even possible to fall in and out of love and in love with someone new within such a short time?

“No, no I’ll go.”

His mother’s voice draws him from her thoughts and he watches her follow after Mari. Another silence descends upon them and he just can’t wrap his head around any of this. Sure he knows like everyone else that soulmates don’t always work out. It’s not something that happens often, less than ten percent of the time actually, but it does happen all over the world.

He just never thought it would happen to his family.

Later, once the guests have settled into their rooms for the night and his chores around the inn are finished he finds Mari in the gardens.

He sits beside her on the bench and looks at the small fountain his parents put in a couple years ago. The soft gurgle of the water is soothing and he hopes it’s the same for Mari because it looks like she’s been crying again since she first came home.

“He didn’t even have the guts to tell me,” she says out of nowhere.

He remains silent.

She takes a shaky breath and draws her knees closer to her and he wonders briefly if he picked up that particular habit from her or if she picked up from him after all these years of comforting him when he’s upset. “When I showed up at his place I interrupted them in the middle of...you know. Her Words are gray so he didn’t have to worry about her soulmate catching them. Just me.”

They aren’t a super touchy family and it’s never something he’s really thought about or ever really bothered him but in this moment he hesitates for just a second before he reaches out and grabs Mari’s hand. She looks like she needs a hug frankly but he isn’t sure if she’d appreciate that.

“I’m sorry, neechan.”

He sees fresh tears in her eyes and he sits there with her until she’s cried herself out, until her eyes become droopy with exhaustion and he gently nudges her to stand up so she can go to bed for the night.

Once he’s curled under his own blankets he lets his own tears fall. Why would Taiki do this to Mari? They seemed so in love with each other just a couple months ago! He scrubs away the tears and looks up at the now six posters of Viktor Nikiforov hung up on his walls.

“I bet you wouldn’t do that to your soulmate,” he whispers and clutches a pillow to his chest. Whenever he meets his soulmate he won’t tell anyone until he’s sure they won’t leave him like Taiki left Mari. He had thought he’d get a brother-in-law, another friend who he could go to when he had problems or just joke around with after a long day of practice, instead all Taiki did was break their hearts.

He won’t let it happen again. Not if he can help it.

 

. . .

 

Minako-sensei raises her eyebrows as he paces up and down the hallway for the millionth time he’s sure. “Yuuri,” she sighs and he immediately stops. “Count back from ten and then tell me each element of your free skate.”

After three years he’s used to this and does as he’s told.

“And tell me what’s the worst that can happen when you get out there on the ice?” her tone remains calm and collected and everything he wishes he could be right now.

But again, he does as he’s told. “I could flub every jump, fall out of all my spins, mess up my step sequence…”

Minako-sensei narrows her eyes and crosses her arms. “And how likely will that happen?”

He frowns but answers the question anyway, “Not very.” Every thought in his mind wants to rebel against those words, wants to paint an ugly picture of eating ice in front of everyone but he also knows he’s practice his routines to the point where he could perform them with his eyes closed.

And Minako-sensei knew this and knew that he knew this.

With a sigh his shoulders slump as she grins down at him. It’s probably his last year in the Junior division since he graduates from school just as the season wraps up and he’ll need to think about his future both as a competitive skater and as an adult.

He hated thinking about either.

“Go get that gold medal Yuuri,” Minako-sensei says and throws an arm around his shoulder to lead him to the rink. He doesn’t need to get gold to get into the Junior Grand Prix Final, as long as he places third or better he should have the points needed to move on but...he wants to win gold. He’s been so close the last two years and now it’s his turn to be the older kid, to be the one with experience backing him up.

He wins and somehow is only ten points away from breaking Viktor’s free skate record he set almost four years ago at Junior Worlds.

The gold medal feels odd around his neck but he realizes he wants to feel like this again and hopefully Viktor will be on the podium with him, silver around his neck, looking up at him with a smile before saying: “You were amazing, Yuuri!”

He clutches the medal close as he steps off the ice and as he looks up at Minako-sensei he thinks maybe, just maybe his daydream could be reality one day.

 

. . .

 

He doesn’t like sneaking into the hot springs when it’s the middle of the night but his muscles are sore and his brain just won’t settle down and the heat always helps with both.

Plus it helps that he can hear the sounds of the trees around him rustling in the wind, the soft murmur of the ocean only a couple blocks away, and the chirps of all the nocturnal creatures that loved the moonlight. So he focuses on all of those noises until his mind is nearly blank and his lungs don’t feel quite as heavy in his chest anymore.

Mari finds him not too long after and he curses himself for forgetting she was getting in late from her trip to Tokyo with some of her friends.

She doesn’t say anything just settles down next to the water, crossing her legs and pulling out a cigarette. He frowns at her because he thought she was quitting but remains silent as well.

“I got a coaching offer in America,” he says when it’s clear Mari isn’t going anywhere until he spills what’s bothering him. She knows him way too well and most of the time it doesn’t bother him but when he wants to be left alone like right now it does.

Mari hums thoughtfully and her gaze slides up to the stars. “What have you said to the coach?” she asks casually and he knows she isn’t as casual about him possibly moving halfway across the world as she wants to seem.

“I haven’t given him an answer yet. I can do most of my university work online and supplement the ones I can’t at the college he’s affiliated with,” he explains because that’s what his therapist has told him to do when he gets anxious over something big like this. Lay out all the facts and force himself to get out of his own head.

Mari doesn’t say anything for a while but when she does it makes his chest tighten. “You’ve already made up your mind haven’t you?”

He sinks lower into the water. “I…” he stops because lying to Mari never works out in his favor. She always wrangles the truth out of him one way or another. “Yeah. I have.”

She takes another drag from her cigarette which has him frowning all over again. “It won’t be the same without you around but I’m sure we’ll manage.”

And that was that.

 

. . .

 

Detroit is nothing at all like Hasetsu which he honestly expected when he arrived but still it’s overwhelming. He’s been to Tokyo a few times with Mari and once with Yuuko and Nishigori when they wanted to celebrate his first gold medal won at the international level.

Tokyo had been overwhelming as well but at least it was still in Japan and he didn’t have to worry about possibly forgetting a whole language as he wandered around streets that were unfamiliar.

“Yuuri Katsuki?”

He spins around and sees Celestino Cialdini waiting for him patiently near baggage claim. And he can’t help but think the older man sounds different than he does on the phone or over Skype. But the cheerful smile on his new coach’s face is enough to put him at ease.

“Did I say it right?” his coach asks as he takes the handle of one of his suitcases. “Don’t be afraid to tell me if I didn’t! I know what it’s like to have someone butcher your name.”

And then his coach just laughs.

He knew Celestino had a rather outgoing and cheerful attitude, had seen it first hand at a few of the Junior competitions whenever he competed against Celestino’s students during the Grand Prix. It’s why he picked Celestino to be the coach to hopefully make his senior career better than his junior one.

“Oh, no you got it right,” he says in a little bit of a daze and he isn’t sure if he’s still just surprised at Celestino’s enthusiasm over pronunciation or the fact he’s actually here. Probably a little of both.

Celestino smiles and claps him on the shoulder. “Good, good! I’m sure you’re tired so let’s get you to your dorm.”

And before Yuuri can contemplate turning on his heel and catching the first flight back to Japan his coach is dragging him out of the airport and helping load his things into a taxi.

He’s asleep as soon as they hit the highway.

 

. . .

 

A loud alarm yanks him from sleep and immediately he wishes he could die. Or maybe he’s already dead and this is just hell because there’s no way his head could ever hurt this much unless it was deliberate torture.

Beside him someone groans and he freezes. An arm darts out from under the covers and smacks the phone on the bedside table until the noise stops. “ดังเกินไป.”

Relief sweeps through him when he recognizes Phichit’s voice because if he had wound up in some stranger’s bed (or worse took a stranger to his bed) he’d ever come out of that particular panic attack. He isn’t sure what Phichit said, his Thai is pretty limited to a handful of phrases taught to him over the last few years but he knows Phichit’s annoyed grumpy voice so he can take a few guesses.

“How much did we drink last night?” he finally manages to ask because it must’ve been a lot if they’re both this miserable.

Phichit groans again and curls until he’s effectively tucked himself under Yuuri’s arm. His hamsters rattle the wheel in their cage clearly trying to get Phichit’s attention now that they heard his voice and he flinches against the sound. “Too much, clearly.”

He wants to laugh but bites it back because he knows that would only aggravate both their headaches. “I don’t even remember anything after you brought out the tequila.”

That gets a snort from Phichit as he continues to delay the inevitable. “Typical.”

And that well, that he can’t help but laugh at and it’s worth the sharp pang in his temples because Phichit’s right. It seems he got most of his mother’s looks but he inherited his dad’s tendency to get blackout drunk and do the most embarrassing things.

At least it had just been him, Phichit and a couple other rinkmates last night so hopefully nothing too embarrassing was captured on their cameras.

“We’re gonna drink even more when you win gold at the Grand Prix Final,” Phichit says as he finally pokes his head out from under the covers, squinting up at the window above his bed like the sun personally offends him.

“Phichit -” he begins but immediately yelps when he feels a sharp pinch in his side. “What was that for?” he grumbles, rubbing the sore spot as he shoves Phichit away.

His best friend narrows his eyes. “I’m not awake enough to listen to you go on about how it’s a fluke you made the Final. You earned your spot Yuuri. Just like everyone else. And you have a real shot at getting on that podium.”

Ducking his head he tries to avoid Phichit’s gaze because he’s still reeling from the fact he managed to even qualify. Of course, Phichit had demanded they celebrate his achievement and of course things got a little too out of hand but it the thought of winning gold with _Viktor Nikiforov_ there too seems...impossible.

As a fan Yuuri would love to see Viktor win his fifth consecutive Grand Prix Final, something that’s never been done before.

But as a competitor? Yuuri wants to be the skater that finally breaks his streak.

Groaning he grabs a pillow and smashes it on his face as if it’ll keep him from dealing with the rest of the world and the biggest moment of his skating career happening in just a matter of days.

“I can hear you spiralling into your anxiety from here stop it,” Phichit says as he pulls the pillow off his face. Not so gently his friend kicks him until he’s falling off the edge of his bed into an ungraceful heap onto the floor. “Go shower so we can go to the rink.”

Despite the glare he gives Phichit as he picks himself up off the floor he’s aware for the millionth time how lucky he is that the universe aligned perfectly long enough for him to meet Phichit when he did. Even though they aren’t soulmates in the sense they have each other’s Words written into their skin he doesn’t hesitate to agree with Phichit when he calls them platonic soulmates.

When he finishes showering and getting ready he walks back into his room to find Phichit asleep again and can’t help but smile fondly before it turns into a smirk as he darts forward to get his revenge.

“ _Ugh,_ _Yuuri you’re the worst!_ ”

 

. . .

 

He wants to say he’s surprised he wound up in dead last in the Final but he isn’t. Life’s been going well, too well and he knew it was only a matter of time before the universe reminded him of his mediocre abilities.

His failure would be easier to swallow if Vicchan hadn’t…

Clutching his phone in his hand after Yuri Plisetsky screamed at him to retire he manages to pull himself together long enough to open Phichit’s messages.

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : you got this yuuri just do you free skate like you do in practice and you’ll definitely get on that podium!

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : did something happen? why do you look like someone kicked a puppy in front of you????? do i need to beat someone up? bc i will fly to russia immediately if i need to

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : yuuri…. call me when you’re done with the press i know something happened :((

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : katsuki yuuri don’t u dare ignore me i will call ciao ciao and force him to give you the phone you know i will

With a sigh he figures he might as well get this phone call out of the way because he knows Phichit is probably minutes away from calling their coach and following up on his threat. His best friend has done it before and will do it again so really the best course of action is to just...take action first.

The phone rings all of one time before Phichit’s answers. “What happened?”

Biting back another sigh he leans against the sink closest to him and closes his eyes against a fresh wave of tears. Everyone who knows him well enough would’ve seen how upset he was when he stepped out onto the ice. The rest of the world is wondering if he injured himself or if he’s really that bad of a skater.

(He is.)

“Vicchan died.”

There’s a beat of silence before: “Fuck, Yuuri…”

“Mari took him to the park because he was pacing around the onsen and he...he ran off chasing something and she saw the car too late.”

Neither of them say anything for a while. He cries _again_ and distantly he can hear Phichit sniffle through his own bout of tears. “I shouldn’t have let it get to me though,” he says when he feels like he can actually push words out instead of keeping them caught in his chest. “I should...I should have won a medal for him but now...now he died without me there because I’ve been selfish and -”

“Nope don’t even go there, Yuuri. You are not selfish. Or well, you’re not anymore selfish than the rest of us,” Phichit cuts him off sharply and his breath stutters in his chest at the words.

“I’m so sorry about Vicchan but I doubt he’d want you to be blaming yourself for something out of your control. And I know what you’re thinking - you are not some horrible skater because you’re upset about your childhood dog dying. I bet you Viktor Nikiforov would’ve flubbed every jump too if Makkachin died right before a competition.”

And he doesn’t know what to say any of that because he knows it isn’t true. Viktor would’ve gone out there and won gold even if he wound up crying the whole performance. But he knows if he tells Phichit these thoughts his best friend will only get more upset.

Phichit’s sigh breaks him from his thoughts and he echoes it. “Where are you right now?”

“Um, one of the bathrooms near the changing rooms,” he answers biting his lip as he debates whether or not to mention the Russian junior skater. No, no if he does that he knows Phichit will track down the teenager on social media somehow and give the kid a piece of his mind and even though he’s wrung out and exhausted he needs to be the adult.

Why can’t he be fourteen and full of hope again? Life was marginally better back then at least.

“Yuuri…” Phichit sighs again. “You’ll feel better about crying if you’re back in your hotel room. I know how much you hate it when people catch you upset like this. You avoided me for three days the first time I saw you cry and we live in a tiny dorm!”

And even though he knows what Phichit is doing, he can’t help but laugh anyway as he rubs the sleeve of his jacket across his eyes. “It wasn’t easy to manage,” he says and hearing Phichit laugh eases the knot in his chest a little more.

Once his breathing is even again he thanks Phichit for the talk, dabs his eyes with a paper towel and straightens his lanyard. He knows Celestino is likely waiting outside, probably scaring anyone else off from wandering into the bathroom and he can’t help but be grateful for it. Even if he’s mostly embarrassed.

Celestino gives him a smile as he hands him his bag and they don’t say much to each other as they make their way through the arena until they’re in the lobby with the other skaters and coaches milling around before they head back to their hotels.

The banquet isn’t until tomorrow night and he’s trying to figure out if he’s grateful for that or not when he hears his name somewhere behind him. When he turns his breath catches in his throat because there’s _Viktor_.

The man looks practically regal as he walks beside the other Yuri and his heart sinks even though he doesn’t know why he got his hopes up in the first place that Viktor Nikiforov had been calling out to him of all people.

He catches snippets of what Viktor is saying to other Yuri and he’s surprised to see that the teenager is doing his best to ignore Viktor’s advice and he feels frustrated by the sight of it. What he wouldn’t give for Viktor to think his skating is worth enough to critique.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Celestino chatting to another coach and just as he’s about to look away from Viktor to suggest they head back to their hotel Viktor turns and is suddenly looking right at him.

He scrambles to think of anything to say, words about how beautiful Viktor’s freeskate float through his mind but before he can piece together a proper sentence Viktor beats him to the punch:

“Commemorative photo? Sure thing!”

It’s only a heartbeat later when he feels warmth wrap around his right wrist signalling the Change and he knows without yanking up the sleeve of his jacket that his Words have turned black. Panic sinks into his mind swiftly because _Viktor Nikiforov_ is his _soulmate_ and he used to dream up scenarios when he was a teenager of this very man saying his Words.

None of them involved the clearly fake smile pulling at Viktor’s lips and the lack of recognition in his blue eyes.

He’s turning away from Viktor before he really registers it and it isn’t until the cold air slaps his cheeks that he’s startled out of the turmoil in his mind long enough to remember to wait for Celestino to catch a cab.

It’s when he’s standing under the too hot water in his hotel room shower that he realizes he never said anything back to Viktor and when the thought strikes him he slaps a hand against the tiled wall to keep himself upright.

He steadfastly ignores the black Words mocking at him.

Is he even Viktor’s soulmate in return? It didn’t happen often, barely one percent of the population had unrequited Words. But in order for there to be the one percent someone has to experience the Change, saying something in return and watching their soulmate’s words remain beige against their skin.

He laughs and it tastes bitter on his tongue as it falls past his lips.

Of course, he’d be apart of the unfortunate souls destined to carry unreturned Words on their skin. Part of him wants to climb to the roof and shout at the universe why it had decided to given him Words on his wrist yet deny him all the benefits of their placement?

He doesn’t step out of the shower until well after the water’s run cold.

 

. . .

 

He wakes and immediately flinches against the sunlight that’s sneaking past the crack of the drawn curtains. How much did he drink last night? His hangover a couple weeks ago after finding out he made it to the Final wasn’t nearly this bad and he thought that had been one of his worse ones.

With a groan he carefully opens his eyes again to search for his phone. At least he made it back to his own room somehow. Probably Celestino even though he swore he saw his coach drink his fair share of champagne at the banquet last night.

Oh well.

There’s several messages from Minako-sensei, Yuuko and Phichit and he knows he shouldn’t have avoided calling the rest of his family and friends yesterday. Maybe he’ll give them a call before his flight when he’s hopefully feeling more human.

With a sigh he grabs his glasses and unlocks his phone bringing it closer to his face as he lays on his back. He’ll give Yuuko a call first because his childhood friend will have the decency not to laugh or tease him over how miserably hungover he sounds.

Well, not as much as the other two at least.

Scrolling through his contacts but freezes when he sees a name in the list that most certainly had not been there yesterday morning.

**Viktor <3**

He blinks at the contact because the only Viktor he knows is Viktor Nikiforov and he knows he didn’t talk to the other man once during this whole dreadful competition.

It must be a prank but as he searches his mind for a moment where his phone hadn’t been in his hand or pocket he finds nothing.

With shaking hands he shoots off a text to the number.

Before he can work himself into a panic his phone vibrates with a response. And then again and again and again. This can’t be happening.

> **Viktor <3** **:** not a prank i promise, see!!!! :)

> **Viktor <3** **:** [photo sent - a selfie of him sitting on his bed smiling hair attractively sleep mussed. His Words peek out from the collar of his shirt and he can see they’re black.]

> **Viktor <3** **:** how are you feeling? i hope you’re not too hungover :((( i was thinking we could grab some breakfast and talk! :D

> **Viktor <3** **:** if you are though i can bring you something! we don’t have to go out if you’re not feeling up to it  <333

“Oh my god.”

Why is Viktor Nikiforov texting him? Why does he want to meet up for breakfast and talk? Did he get so drunk last night that he let slip that Viktor is his soulmate? That he has his Words on his wrist? Is this going to be a pity breakfast? There’s no other explanation that makes sense but he doesn’t think Viktor’s capable of being that cruel to rub it in his face that they’re not…

Without any real thought behind it he’s calling Phichit even though it’s the middle of the night in Detroit.

Still Phichit answers after the third ring with a mumbled, “Yuuri?”

“Viktor Nikiforov is my soulmate but I didn’t say anything back to him just ran back to the hotel but now he’s texting me wanting to get breakfast and talk and I remember nothing from the banquet last night and I’m freaking out.”

There’s a beat of silence before he can hear Phichit scramble around, likely trying to turn on a light but only managing to knock over several items off his nightstand before succeeding. “Repeat all of that but slowly because all I really caught was Viktor Nikiforov is your soulmate and something about not remembering the banquet last night.”

He wants to scream but bites the instinct back. “When Ciao Ciao and I were leaving the rink after the free skate Viktor caught me looking at him and then said my Words. I ran back to the hotel after that and when Ciao Ciao dragged me to the banquet yesterday I decided to just drink because I didn’t want to be there anyway and I guess I got carried away. Now I wake up and see Viktor’s number in my phone and I text it because it can’t actually be Viktor Nikiforov’s number but it is! He sent me a selfie Phichit and it’s definitely him and his Words are black! And he wants to grab breakfast with me and there’s no way my Words are on his skin! We’re unrequited soulmates! He probably pities me!”

He’s out of breath by the time he’s done talking and Phichit remains silent which only makes everything worse and he wishes not for the first time he didn’t blackout when he drank too much because sometimes it’s really, really inconvenient.

Like right now.

When Phichit finally speaks he sounds a little farther away, like he put Yuuri on speaker phone. “Um, not to freak you out more than you already are but Viktor liked every photo that has you in it on my Instagram and then followed me. I don’t think your Words are unrequited, Yuuri.”

This is not happening. It _can’t_ be happening.

He must’ve made some kind of noise because Phichit is saying his name in the same tone he always uses whenever he’s on the verge of a panic attack like this. Once the run through a couple breathing exercises Phichit’s voice is too cheery when he says, “I’m going to hang up now, you’ll be fine. Call me back with all the juicy details when you’re done!”

And the line goes dead.

Done? Done with what?

He gets his answer a few minutes later when there’s a knock on his hotel door. Thinking it’s probably Celestino sent to check on him by Phichit he opens the door without much thought.

And oh. Oh no. This has to be a dream because there’s no way -

“Yuuri!”

. . .

 

Frankly, part of him still thinks this is all a dream. But the way Viktor is smiling at him is nothing he could imagine on his own because all his dreams have this man smiling like he does in his posters back in his room. And the smile the currently curls at Viktor’s lips is far too soft and far too fond to be anything but real.

There’s also the fact that the pictures Viktor showed him earlier back in his hotel room are all of things he totally would do (and has done) when he drinks way too much.

“So, Yuuri,” Viktor says as he rests his chin in his hand while they wait for their empty plates to be cleared away and new drinks brought over. “When did you start skating?”

Relief sweeps through him that Viktor seems to be sticking to topics that are familiar to both of them, things that he can manage to talk about without stuttering too much or making a fool of himself. Whether Viktor is doing this on purpose or not remains to be unseen but either way it’s kind of him after the shock of finding out he said Viktor’s Words while blackout drunk.

He smiles and fidgets with his empty cup while forcing himself to look at Viktor instead of the slightly scuffed table. “I think I was six? I um, I didn’t have many friends growing up so my ballet teacher brought me to my town’s rink after class one day so I could maybe have something else I liked to do.”

As he talked Viktor’s eyes brightened with each word and his smile turned heart-shaped. At the sight of it he can’t help the way his heart flutters in his chest. Though he isn’t sure why Viktor is smiling like that because honestly the explanation sounds rather pathetic to his own ears.

Surely Viktor will eventually realize how ordinary and uninteresting and awkward he is and leave him just like…

“I bet you were adorable!”

He blinks because he definitely hadn’t expected Viktor to say that of all things. To his motification he feels his cheeks warm and he drops his gaze to the cup still in his hands.

He starts to shake his head because he definitely wasn’t an adorable kid no matter what everyone tries to tell him when Viktor asks, “When did you start ballet? It was before you started skating right? Because the way you moved last night was breathtaking, like you could’ve been a professional dancer instead.”

At those words he jerks his head up and blinks because...what? How did…? “Um, yeah. I started when I was four and I thought about it. Pursuing dance instead, I mean, but um...” he answers before he realizes the words were forming on his tongue.

Viktor’s smile widens practically into a heart and he looks far too pleased with himself over something so...uninteresting. Ever since Viktor showed up at his door this morning he’s done nothing but confuse Yuuri, acting completely different than the man he’s used to seeing in interviews and caught glimpses of at competitions.

“Why didn’t you?”

It’s nearly too much having Viktor’s entire focus on him with nowhere to escape. For some reason even though his heart’s racing in his chest his mind isn’t spiralling to its usual dark place. Part of him wonders if he’s trying to keep a panic attack at bay simply because he knows Viktor will leave him, will determine him unworthy and waltz right out of the cafe if he -

“Yuuri?”

He blinks and finds a patient smile on Viktor’s lips and it’s just as nice to look at as the heart shaped one. “Oh, um,” here he blushes because there’s no way he can beat around the bush as Phichit would say. (Though he still doesn’t really understand that idiom.) And he refuses to lie to Viktor, refuses to be anything like Taiki -

“I saw you win Junior Worlds and I realized I wanted to skate on the same ice as you one day.”

Oh god. He actually said that. He can’t believe he actually said that. Viktor is going to think he’s a weird, creepy fan and is going to get up and leave because he’ll hate being stuck with someone like him for a soulmate.  

“Yuuri~!”

He blinks because instead of leaving Viktor is grabbing his hands and his heart-shaped smile has turned into something unearthly in its happiness.

The blush returns full force but it doesn’t seem to phase Viktor at all, in fact he’s starting to think that Viktor likes it when he _does_ blush. “I’m really the reason you’re able to show everyone how beautifully you skate?”

And Viktor sounds and looks so...happy about it that he can’t bring himself to brush off how much Viktor as a skater has meant to him over the last eleven years. “Yes,” he whispers and his breath hitches when Viktor squeezes his hands upon the answer.

Did Taiki ever look at Mari like this? He can’t remember and he thinks that’s telling enough because there’s no way he’ll ever forget how Viktor’s eyes have softened at his confession.

“I’m glad you decided I was worthy enough to inspire you.”

The _you still do_ goes unspoken.

 

. . .

 

Watching Viktor walk away and board the plane that’ll take him back to St. Petersburg is harder than he thought it would be. They barely know each other, still strangers in almost every sense, yet he finds himself wishing that he could throw responsibility to the wind and follow after him.

Celestino claps him on the shoulder and gently steers him towards their gate. “Do well at Nationals and you’ll get to see him in a few months,” his coach says as they snag a couple seats in the corner of the mostly empty waiting area for their flight.

Nationals. Right.

As if sensing his impending freak out, Celestino hands him his headphones and nudges his phone. It’s times like this that he’s grateful for his coach, most others probably would’ve let him go when they realizes his anxiety was a very real thing and a hurdle that half the time Yuuri struggled to get over.

But after nearly five years Celestino seems to have figured out little things to help him manage it. So, he follows his coach’s advice and opens up his messaging app and finally reads Phichit’s texts.

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : what’s he like????

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : yuuri i s2g if you don’t dish out the details of how your morning went i will be very upset!!

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : ok i’m going to assume you two are talking or getting it on so i’ll leave you be for now BUT TEXT ME BACK BEFORE YOU GET ON YOUR FLIGHT

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : yuuuuuuuuuri :(((

Snorting he can’t help but roll his eyes. Frankly, he’s surprised Phichit limited himself to four texts and didn’t completely flood his phone with two dozen.

> **Yuuri:** First off, I’m proud of you for only texting me four times.

> **Yuuri:** But it was fine. We went to grab some breakfast after he told me what happened last night and we talked some more. Mostly about skating.

It takes Phichit all of two seconds to read the messages and start responding. Sighing he scrolls through his music to pick out something that’ll hopefully drown out his jumbled up thoughts. He knew he had to process what’s happened over the last several days but right now he’s far too exhausted to do it.

And hungover. Definitely still hungover. Why did he drink so much again?

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : just talk? ;))))

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : but i’m happy for you i’m glad you actually talked to him instead of slam the door in his face like i was half expecting you to!

> **Yuuri:** Hey! I don’t hide from ALL of my problems you know…

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : i’ll believe that when i see it

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : ANYWAY like i was saying before you interrupted me - i’m glad it went well and it must suck you guys already have to fly off to different sides of the world :(

> **Yuuri:** Thanks for reminding me.

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : hey now none of that. you have his number and you can just facetime whenever you want so it won’t be too bad. you’ll see him again at worlds anyway that’s not too far away

He sighs at that because why does everyone seem to think he’ll make it to Worlds after his performance at the GPF? Hell he seriously wonders if he’ll even medal at Nationals and that’s a competition he’s usually been pretty consistent at over the last few years.

(His brain oh so helpfully supplies that it’s because all skaters who are better retired just as he broke out into the senior division and the others are still in the junior division and too young to beat him but definitely will in a year or two.)

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : i can hear you overthinking things all the way here in detroit yuuri

> **Yuuri** : Sorry.

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : just listen to spirited away’s soundtrack it always helps calm you down. i’ll see you at the airport in like a million hours lol.

> **the best bff ever (don’t change this!!!)** : try to get some actual sleep in the meantime :)

Stuffing his phone into his sweater’s pocket he sinks lower in his seat as he sighs. On some level he appreciates everyone’s support and their wholehearted belief that he can win these competitions but he just wishes someone would ask him _‘but are you happy’_?

Because he’s not. Happy that is. With how his skating has been lately. Sure, he won bronze at Skate America and silver at NHK to even be able to qualify for the Final and those aren’t achievements he will necessarily brush aside because he worked hard for them, bleed and bruised himself for them but -

They aren’t enough.

He wants to win _gold_.

He wants to be the best.

To surpass even Viktor himself.

And he’s so frustrated and tired with himself that he can’t seem to do it.

Out of the corner of his eye Celestino shoots him a worried glance but looks back down at his book when Yuuri shoots him a small smile. His coach must be so disappointed in him. Finally, after five long years of working together he finally gets to the GPF and totally tanks.

Biting back a frustrated groan he takes Phichit’s advance and scrolls through his music library again until he finds the right soundtrack. The familiar notes settle into his bones and even though it’s not a miracle fix for his anxiety he relaxes enough to drift off into a light doze.

. . .

 

“Is that a poster of my free skate from last season?”

He whips around and mentally curses at himself for not thinking about the fact he has four of Viktor’s posters hung up on the wall next to his bed. Usually they Skype in the small living room of his and Phichit’s dorm where nothing embarrassing like Viktor’s posters getting anywhere into the actual Viktor’s line of sight.

Groaning he moves his laptop until he knows the posters are out of sight. When he looks back at the screen Viktor is pouting at him. “Yuuri~” he whines and it shouldn’t be so adorable but it is and all he can do is stare dumbstruck at this twenty-six year old man pouting like Yuuri just took away his favorite toy.

His soulmate is utterly ridiculous.

And he’s completely charmed.

Glancing down at his notebook where he’s been trying to figure out his schedule for the next semester he mumbles a, “I really liked that routine,” that has Viktor preening and cooing from halfway across the world because he’s _ridiculous_.

It falls silent after that and he looks up to see Viktor just staring at him with an expression that can’t be interpreted as anything but fond and affectionate. Immediately he feels his cheeks warm and ducks his head.

“So cute,” Viktor coos which only makes him blush harder.

There’s another bout of silence but this time Viktor breaks it by saying, “I think you should change your jump composition for Nationals.”

“Um...what?”

That’s the last thing he expected Viktor to say during their freshly dubbed ‘weekly Skype date’. Of course, he knows both of their Nationals are coming up because like most years they overlap each other. It’s always made it hard for him to watch Viktor skate but he’s always managed.

The fond, affectionate look from earlier is nearly gone, replaced mostly by a serious expression that he recognizes from all the times he’s watched Viktor’s competitions on a livestream. It’s the look he usually has on his face before he’s about to step out onto the ice to perform.

It’s a little daunting having that look directed at him.

“Your jumps aren’t your strongest point, and while there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that because your step sequences and spins definitely make up for it I think for Nationals at least you should focus more on those and up your presentation score. I can help you with your jumps after because again you are clearly...”

He sits there a little dumbfounded, okay completely dumbfounded if he’s being honest as Viktor talks because again this isn’t where he thought one of their first conversations since leaving Sochi would be.

Then again, maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised by it.

Shaking his head he clears away the confusion the best he can and focuses on the advice Viktor is laying out in front of him for no other reason than he wants to and apparently wants to see him succeed at Nationals.

It’s incredibly sweet, even if internally he flinches at the critiques of his jumps.

 

. . .

 

A week later when he’s at Nationals, Viktor’s words ring in his ear and even though Celestino wasn’t thrilled that he adjusted his programs with only two weeks to perfect the changes his coach had allowed it. So, here he stands in the center of the ice, solidly in first place going into the Free Skate with Viktor watching him back in St. Petersburg.

A month ago the knowledge that Viktor Nikiforov would be watching a live stream of the Japanese Nationals would’ve terrified him and probably led to about a dozen and one mistakes in both his programs.

Now? Now he feels determination burn through his veins as the music starts because _Viktor_ his ridiculous and exuberant soulmate is watching and he wants to leave the other man breathless by the time his program is over.

He wins gold and it strikes him as he stands on the podium that this is the third year in a row he’s managed to do it. Even the darkest parts of his mind cannot say it’s another fluke and the smile that pulls at his lips is genuine.

“You did well, Yuuri,” Celestino says brightly when he steps off the ice and grabs his skate guards. “I wasn’t sure how’d you do with those last minute changes in competition but I’m glad you suggested them.”

Yuuri gives him a smile as he changes into his running shoes and carefully places his skates into his bag before heading over to talk to the press. This is the part he’ll never quite get comfortable with, the endless questions and curiosity that everyone seems to have over him.

Pulling his phone out of his bag he checks to see if Viktor texted him and he barely holds back a snort when he sees the numerous messages waiting to be read.

> **Viktor <3:** please tell your coach that ruffles have been out of style for a solid decade

> **Viktor <3:** but anyway you’re gonna do great yuuri!!!! <3333333 none of the other’s programs even come close to yours in TES points and you always do amazing with presentation scores on top of that

> **Viktor <3:** yuuri i know you can do a triple lutz better than that

> **Viktor <3:** how do you manage to look so attractive after skating like that for four minutes???? honestly what is your secret because this is just unfair

> **Viktor <3:** i told you yuuri!!!!!! i knew you’d do it

> **Viktor <3:** :)))))))

> **Viktor <3: **my champion <3333

The last message has him blushing and he mentally curses Viktor for putting it there right before he’s about to step in front of numerous cameras. He can’t even blame the flush of his cheeks on the fact he just finished his program.

Groaning he shoots off a quick message back to Viktor before stuffing his phone back into his bag.

> **Yuuri:** If I’m your champion does this mean you’re mine too Mr. I Just Won My Seventh National Title?

As he takes his place between the silver and bronze  medalists he barely manages to push the awaiting text messages from his mind as the questions begin.

> **Viktor <3:** YUURI!!!!! <333333

> **Viktor <3:** i’d be yours and you’d be mine even if we never won another medal in our lives

 

. . .

 

There are a lot of things he’s been learning about Viktor in the month and a half since they’ve started talking, since they said each other’s Words back in Sochi but perhaps the most important thing Yuuri’s learned about his soulmate is this:

Viktor can be an incredibly forgetful man.

And he wishes he could say this middle of the night call is an anomaly but that’d just make him a liar. Still, he picks it up and simply groans as he presses his face into his comfortable, comfortable pillow.

It takes Viktor thirty seconds to realize what time it is for him.

“Oh Yuuri, I’m sorry.”

He makes a series of noises no longer embarrassed that he makes them whenever Viktor calls him in the middle of the night. Viktor, of course, just chuckles and waits for him to wake up enough to form actual sentences. “I can’t wait to see grumpy half awake Yuuri in person.”

And the way Viktor says it, so casual, so offhandedly makes his heart flutter in his chest. “Viktor,” he sighs, grateful that his soulmate can’t see the blush that’s certainly blooming across his cheeks.

“I promise I called for a reason!”

At this he can’t help but laugh because honestly he wouldn’t have been all that surprised (or bothered) if Viktor had called him just because he ‘wanted to hear your voice Yuuri~’ still it’s nice to know he was woken up for a purpose.

“You don’t need one to call me you know. You can call me even if you just want to hear my voice, I mean please don’t make this a habit of waking me up at two in the morning for that but um, yeah,” he says and then promptly yawns as he curls onto his side, facing the wall that separates his room and the living room.

His isn’t sure what he’s expecting Viktor to say or do after he says that but it certainly isn’t total silence. Viktor’s been such a vibrant person in his life since they met and Yuuri’s felt like he’s barely keeping up so the lack of Viktor cooing his name is enough to jolt him fully awake.

With his heart racing in his chest, he sits up and asks tentatively, “Viktor?”

His only response is a familiar sounding shaky breath and this only has him sitting up even straighter because he knows what makes that sound and there’s no way Viktor Nikiforov is holding back tears right now. But then he hears it again and there’s no doubt.

Before he can ask what’s wrong, Viktor thankfully speaks, “You’re a very kind man, Yuuri.”

Stunned, it’s his turn to fall silent unable to even murmur a thank you in return for Viktor’s gentle words but this doesn’t seem to deter his soulmate, rather Viktor laughs and it’s soft, almost reverent. “I just wanted to call you to let you know my flight got changed and I’ll be halfway to European Nationals when you wake up. I didn’t want you to worry when I don’t respond to your text after you wake up.”

“You...could have just texted me this,” he says and immediately regrets the words because while what he said is true he didn’t want Viktor thinking he’s unwelcome to call him for things like this, especially after he just got done telling Viktor it’s okay to call for no reason at all…

Vikor laughs again and he swears he can see the smile on the other man’s face as he says, “What if I just wanted to hear your voice?”

There’s a beat of silence and when he breaks it to say, “I’m glad I got to hear yours too,” he knows Viktor can hear his own smile.

 

. . .

 

This isn’t his first time competing at Four Continents and unless he retires he suspects it won’t be his last time either because Viktor _is_ right (even though his mind still wants to rebel against it) - no other male figure skater in Japan is anywhere near him technically or otherwise. Still, the knowledge that he somehow is Japan’s only hope at medalling here makes things worse.

Didn’t they see his disaster of performance in Sochi? Sure he did well in Nationals but…

“Yuuri-senpai!”

Wherever his thoughts were about to go Minami certainly derailed them and for a brief second he’s grateful for the distraction but then one look at the boy’s wide eyes and barely contained glee makes him take that back.

He’s far too exhausted to handle Minami’s unabashed admiration. “I can’t believe I actually get to come here with you! Are you excited to be back? I bet you are! Can we take a selfie? I want to remember this for forever!”

For whatever reason Minami still looks up to him, still claims Yuuri is his idol even after his failure in Sochi. He isn’t sure how that’s possible but he finds himself nodding all the same to the boy’s question. He barely manages to plaster a smile onto his face and he can already hear Phichit and Viktor’s sighs when they catch sight of the picture on Instagram later.

He watches as Minami goes about figuring out which filter to use on their photo and wonders if when he was Minami’s age if he was like this. Bright-eyed and full of excitement over a budding career. “Yuuri-senpai you need to post more, this just looks sad!”

No. He doesn’t think he was.

When was the last time he had fun skating? The kind of fun he felt when he was six and trying to copy Minako-sensei’s spins or when he was ten and Yuuko landed her first double and immediately began to teach him how to as well or when he was twelve and they copied Viktor’s routines?

It hits him like a train when he realizes he hasn’t had fun like that since he stepped onto the ice, a freshly minted senior skater.

Panic settles in quickly after that.

Minami doesn’t seem to notice, talking a mile a minute about everything around them, about all the cool new skaters he’s getting to meet and various other things that Yuuri tuned out as his thoughts spiralled out of his control.

Celestino is talking to another coach and he vaguely registers how his lung seemed to have seized up when he feels a hand slip into his and start pulling him away from the crowds. Distantly, he’s aware Phichit is saying his name but he feels like his head has been dunked under water.

“Yuuri, can you open your eyes please?” Phitchit’s voice cuts through with sudden clarity and that alone is the only reason he actually listens.

Phichit’s smile is patient and warm. “Good, now tell me two things you see.”

“You, wearing your team jacket,” he gasps as he’s forced to take in a lungful of air to wheeze out the single sentence. “And a door. It’s blue and scuffed up.”

“There you go, Yuuri.”

It takes a few moments to realize Phichit’s referring to how he’s breathing almost normally again but it’s at least significantly better than before. His head feels brittle and his hands shake but this is nothing new, nothing that scares him like it had the first few times his panic sank its claws into his mind.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phichit asks and he feels guilty because his best friend should be warming up right now, since he’s in the group before Yuuri but he keeps those thoughts to himself. He already knows what Phichit will say if he tells the other boy to leave him be.

So, he takes another breath and shakes his head. “I don’t know how to...say it out loud yet. But, um, thank you anyway.”

Phichit simply nods, reaches into his team jacket pocket and hands him his phone. “I think this one time you can break your no phone rule at a competition,” he says and then continues when Yuuri gives him a confused look, “Talk to Viktor for a little bit, take your mind off whatever set off your attack. I’ll be just over there if you need me okay?”

Tears spring into his eyes because he doesn’t deserve Phichit’s compassion or friendship.  As if hearing his thoughts, Phichit shakes his head and pulls him into a quick hug. “None of that, I don’t allow anyone to trash talk my best friend. Even if it’s said best friend doing it. Now text your ridiculous soulmate, hopefully he’ll help you feel better.”

Texting Viktor doesn’t help.

> **Viktor** : I believe in you <3

 

. . .

 

He placed sixth.

That number seems like it’s going to haunt him the rest of the season if not the rest of his career. Celestino and Phichit have tried to tell him he still placed sixth out of dozens of skaters from all over the world but he needed to do better.

“I’m not saying you couldn’t have done it Yuuri, but it’s hard to podium when JJ decided to add two quads to his Free Skate to up his TES points,” Phichit says two weeks after they’ve gotten back, flopped across Yuuri’s stomach as he scrolls through Instagram. “So I promise none of us think you’re this awful skater who should retire. JJ’s just ridiculous and is gonna blow out his knees before he’s your age.”

He just sighs. Which in turn has Phichit setting down his phone. Great.

“Have you texted him back at all?”

Yeah no, he doesn’t want to talk about Viktor at all right now. The guilt is already chewing him up from the inside out about failing his soulmate at Four Continents and the two weeks of radio silence on his end. No matter how much he tells himself Viktor won’t care he didn’t medal, will still want to talk to him (if his daily texts are any indication) Yuuri can’t bring himself to do it.

“Yuuri…”

Grabbing a pillow, he presses it to his face as if it’ll help him hide from Phichit’s disappointment. Because that’s definitely what he hears in his best friend’s voice right now. And if their roles were reversed and Phichit was ignoring his soulmate over something so stupid he’d be disappointed too.

He’s disappointed in himself but none of that will change his mind.

Viktor will be better off without him. Maybe like Taiki he’ll find a nice person with gray Words who can love him without the added baggage of anxiety dragging him down.

Phichit sighs again and pulls the pillow off his face, his dark eyes are serious in a way Yuuri hasn’t seen all that often and he knows whatever Phichit’s about to say won’t be fun to hear. “I love you Yuuri and I can only imagine a fraction of what it’s like for you living with your anxiety everyday but you can’t just make decisions like this for him.”

His heart twists sharply in his chest because he knows Phichit’s right. It’d be what Mari would tell him too if she knew he met Viktor and then subsequently cut off all contact with him for no real reason.

But there is one decision he can make that’s completely for himself. “I’m going back to Hasetsu after I graduate.”

Phichit doesn’t seem to understand because his best friend smiles and the serious expression fades a little as a result. “That’s good!” he says brightly as he picks his phone back up. “I think a visit will do you some good, how long are you going to stay? Maybe I can come with! I really, really want to try those hot springs you keep telling me about. Plus I need to get all your embarrassing childhood stories from Mari.”

He squirms which jostles Phichit enough to force his eyes back on him. “I’m uh, not going for a visit.”

Phichit blinks and Yuuri can pinpoint the exact moment the other boy realizes what Yuuri’s saying and the guilt only intensifies in his heart. “You’re _moving_ back? But what about…?”

“I’m not renewing my contract with Ciao Ciao.”

 

. . .

 

It’s harder saying goodbye than he thought it would have been. Phichit and Celestino are the only ones who accompany him to the airport but before they had left it seemed like all his rinkmates had wanted to say goodbye as well.

Now he’s standing with his carry on bag next to his feet as Phichit pulls him into a hug. “What am I going to do without you around everyday?”

And those words break his heart because he isn’t sure what he’s going to do without Phichit waking him up by literally dragging him out of bed to shove some coffee into his hands before their morning practice. Or the comforting sound of Phichit’s hamsters running around in their cage on the desk between their beds. Or the comfortable quiet nights in spent watching movies and trying to actually finish their homework ahead of time instead of last minute.

Deep down, he knows Phichit won’t forget about him now that they aren’t roommates and living in different parts of the world. But he can’t help but worry about that exact thing happening and he clings to Phichit a little harder when the thought crosses his mind.

“I’ll just have to FaceTime you instead,” Phichit says into his shoulder and Yuuri feels tears fall out of the corner of his eyes.

Celestino clears his throat and when the two of them pull a little bit apart to look at him, the older man looks apologetic for interrupting their moment. “Your flight is boarding soon, Yuuri.”

Wiping away the tears he gives Phichit a watery smile. “You better text me everyday,” he says because it’s all he can say without completely breaking down. No he’ll do that on the plane.

Phichit laughs though he can practically hear how his best friend is holding back his own floodgate of tears. “As if I have enough chill to not text you at least a dozen times a day.”

He laughed too because it’s the truth and he wouldn’t have it any other way. His time in Detroit would have been much bleaker if Phichit hadn’t barrelled into his life, beaming and demanding a selfie to remember the moment he met his roommate.

“Text me when you make it home okay?”

He nods as they finally step out of their hug and he turns to Celestino, expecting a handshake but finds himself pulled into another hug instead. “Whatever happens next, I hope you know I’m honored I got to see you grow into the young man you are today. Be safe, okay?”

Oh god he isn’t going to make it onto the plane before he starts crying. He pulls away sniffling and Celestino seems to understand as he drops a hand onto Yuuri’s shoulder and squeezes. “Until next time, Yuuri.”

He nods and shoots Phichit another smile before grabbing his bag and turning to head through security. Just before he’s swallowed up by the line he turns back and even though there are tears silently falling down his cheeks he laughs when Phichit waves at him obnoxiously.

Thankfully he has a window seat and the man in the seat next to him says nothing about his tears as he watches Detroit fall away.

 

. . .

 

He isn’t entirely sure what to do with himself when he steps off the plane in Fukuoka, it’s strange after five years of hearing English to be surrounded by the odd familiarity of his first language. Sure this isn’t his first time back in Japan, he’s been assigned to the NHK Trophy a couple times and of course, he always had to come back here for Nationals.

But they were just brief, fleeting visits.

This time he’s here to stay and he isn’t sure what to do about that. His whole adult life so far has been spent away from the familiar sights and sounds of his childhood and part of him believed he wouldn’t come back until he decided to retire.

Which he very well might be doing now considering he has no coach and no idea about how to go about finding a new one before the new season starts.

When he makes his way towards the baggage claim he isn’t paying much attention to his surroundings which turns out to be a mistake when he walks right into someone (and why hadn’t they just stepped out of his way). He looks up, an apology on his lips when he freezes seeing his dad, standing there with a beaming smile.

“Yuuri!” his dad says as he pulls Yuuri into a brief hug. “You didn’t think we’d make you take the train home after all these years did you? C’mon let’s go grab your suitcases, your mom is probably cleaning the kitchen for the third time today as we speak!”

He follows behind his dad in a stupor as they make quick work of grabbing his two large suitcases that carried everything he wanted to bring back with him to Japan. The rest he left for Phichit back in Detroit.

Once they’re on the road, his dad fills him in on all the gossip he’s missed over the last five years and the longer his dad talks the more relaxed he feels because this, their easy-going relationship, hasn’t changed while he’s been away like he had feared. And as he dozes off listening to his dad sing he realizes it was a ridiculous fear to harbor.

His shaken awake what feels like only a second later and his dad’s smile is softer than it was back in the airport. “Welcome home, son.”

The moment he steps through the front door his mom barely gives him enough time to slip off his shoes and place them in their normal spot next to Mari’s, a space it seems they’ve left waiting for him and that brings tears to his eyes as he bends down to hug his mom tightly.

She seems surprised by this since he was never one for many hugs as a child but it’s been _five_ years and he’s still emotional over leaving Phichit and Celestino and Vicchan’s death and Viktor and right now he just wants to curl up in his mom’s arms and have her soothe his hurts. “Oh Yuuri,” she says softly as she squeezes him tight as he shudders when tears well in his eyes again.

They stand there in the entrance for a few more moments before she’s ushering him into the dining room as his dad takes his suitcases up to his room.

Mari appears just as his mom sets a bowl of katsudon in front of him and she snorts when she sees it. “Not even home five minutes and mom’s already stuffing you with food.”

He cracks a small smile as she sits down across from him. “At least it’s a regular sized bowl?”

She laughs and the last of his fear untangles when Mari rests her elbow on the table and fills him in on all the trips she’s made around Japan since he’s been gone. It’s in the middle of her story about missing their train home that his parents settle down in their usual seats and eventually the conversation turns to his ridiculous adventures around America with Phichit during summers and the off-season.

Minako-sensei bursts in a flurry of noise just as they’re pushing their empty dishes away and she glares at all of them before hauling him up to examine him. He squawks when she rips off his sweater and pokes at his slightly pudgy stomach. “Not as bad as I thought you would be but we’ll have to whip you back into shape before I give you back your key to my studio mister!”

He gapes at her while Mari and his parents laugh behind him. “Minako-sensei!” he whines.

And just like that he’s _home_.

 

. . .

 

He watches Worlds while hiding out in his room, squinting at the livestream on his laptop while wishing he had the courage to watch it downstairs with Minako-sensei.

Guilt churns harshly in his stomach when he sees a flash of Viktor’s silver hair as the announcers go on about how Viktor will make history if he wins gold again this year.

And he hates how he can see the sadness in Viktor’s eyes even as he smiles at the reporters who fling question after question at him after the warm-up session for his group. Of course, he’s going last after securing first place with his short program performance the other day and unless Viktor falls and breaks his leg halfway through his routine Yuuri knows Viktor’s going to win.

Part of him longs to reach for his phone and just text Viktor, begging for his forgiveness and wishing him luck that isn’t really needed but wants to give anyway but he doesn't. He remains frozen in his bed as Viktor takes the ice.

The music starts and his breath catches in his throat when Viktor skates because he immediately knows this skate is going to be different than the others. Can see it written across Viktor’s face and how can no one else _see_ it?

By the time Viktor’s in his ending pose, tears are streaming down his face silently as he clutches a pillow to his chest, desperately wishing it was Vicchan instead.

When his scores are announced and Yuuri realizes Viktor shattered his own records again he can’t take it anymore. He slams his laptop closed, grabs his bag and darts downstairs. His mom catches him on his way out and he mumbles a half-hearted excuse before he’s running towards the rink.

Why did Viktor look so _sad_? He should be relieved he doesn’t have to deal with Yuuri’s mess anymore. Tears blur his vision and he wipes them away quickly as he walks into the lobby and Yuuko turns with a polite smile on her lips that transforms into surprise and then familiar warmth.

This is how he spends the next day, hidden away at the rink or in Minako-sensei’s studio until his mind is blissfully blank and his body trembling with exhaustion. And as he drags himself home expecting to eat some dinner and then promptly pass out in his bed he’s accosted by Mari as soon as his shoes are off.

“Viktor Nikiforov is here looking for you.”

He blinks.

She stares.

He blinks again because - _what_?

“Yuuri, what’s going on?” Mari demands and he knows she means well and knows his family must have questions because he knows he would if Mari’s childhood idol suddenly showed up out of nowhere asking for her.

Here.

Viktor is _here_.

“Where is he?” he croaks, mind racing.

Mari gives him a sharp look, “In the gardens last I checked.”

Once the words leave Mari’s mouth he’s running through the inn, sock clad feet sending him careening into walls as he stumbles his way towards Viktor. The door leading to the gardens slams open and it takes him a few minutes to find Viktor sitting on the very bench he and Mari sat on when she cried over Taiki and isn’t that irony slapping him right in the face?

“Viktor?”

Viktor turns and oh no, oh _no_. What has he _done_? Viktor stands abruptly and turns to face him and he reels when he sees Viktor’s fake smile pull at his lips. “Oh, hi Yuuri! I was just about to head up to my room. I’m very tired you see! I’ve had a long few days. So, I’ll see you in the morning!”

And then he’s gone, leaving Yuuri to stand there as shock races through his veins.

 

. . .

 

Mari corners him as he’s trying to make his way up to his room so he can properly freak out over the recent reappearance of Viktor in his life and he shrinks into himself when she pulls him into an unused room.

“Is Viktor your soulmate?”

The words are thrown at him and he flinches against her harsh tone. It’s been ten years since Taiki left her for another woman and it seems she still carries that hurt with her and Yuuri doesn't know what to say, doesn’t want to say yes because for all he knows Viktor came to properly break things off with him before turning around and flying straight back to Russia.

And if he does exactly that then what’ll be the point in telling them the truth? No, this is his hurt to shoulder and his alone. He’s made sure of it.

Mari reaches for the sleeve of his shirt but he quickly yanks his hand back with a sharp jerk as his own eyes narrow in a glare. “Don’t,” he snaps, grateful to feel something other than guilt and fear for once. “What’s going on isn’t any of your business Mari.”

She looks hurt for a brief second before quickly covering it up and Yuuri wants to scream because is that all he’s good at? Hurting those he cares about and who for some reason care about him?

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” she says calmly, too calmly, before turning around walking out of the room.

And that’s the thing - he _doesn’t_ know what he’s doing. Hasn’t really known since he left to go train in America and he certainly hasn’t known what he’s doing since Viktor said his words and he’s tired. So _tired_ of worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing.

It seems like all his worrying is pointless anyway because he’s still managed to mess everything up.

As he’s walking down the hallway to his room he hears a muffled sound from the old banquet room. He pauses outside the door and when he realizes this must be the room his parents put Viktor up in (because _of course_ they would want to put him close to Yuuri even if they don’t know what they are to each other) he hears the sound again.

Oh. _Oh_.

Viktor’s _crying_.

He did that. He’s the reason for the tears and he barely contains the choked noise crawling up his throat as he spins on his heels and darts into his room.

_What has he done?_

 

. . .

 

He’s exhausted and he can tell Viktor is too and it’s not because both of them hardly slept the night before either. Well, at least not entirely. Oh no, Yuuri knows his exhaustion stems from the nerve wracking and soul baring talk they just had with each other.

Glancing out of the corner of his eye he notices Viktor looking back out at the ocean as if it holds all the answers about what they do now that they’ve finally seemed to have a completely honest conversation with each other.

He wishes that the water did hold all the answers but for once he isn’t all that afraid of the unknown that stretches before them because Viktor is _here_. Despite everything Yuuri put him through, he’s sitting next to him on the beach instead of running back to Russia where his life is infinitely less complicated.

But it hits him then that even though Viktor’s life was simpler before him, it wasn’t one that made him happy. And that thought sends a sharp twisting pain through his chest because Viktor doesn’t deserve the sadness he carries around. Is this how Phichit and Mari and Minako-sensei and his parents feel when his anxiety flares up? Proud of how far he’s come but wishing with every fiber of their being that they could take his pain away?

Feeling brave he reaches out and grabs Viktor’s hand again and it seems to be the right thing to do because Viktor turns to look at him with a small, but genuine smile on his lips. And it’s like he’s seeing Viktor for the first time, beautifully, breathtakingly human, and he’s so in…  

“You’re beautiful,” he says before he can catch the words on his tongue.

Viktor’s eyes widen and his nose dusts an adorable pink, likely mirroring his own cheeks. And while he’s certainly embarrassed he doesn’t find an ounce of regret at actually voicing his thoughts aloud for once. Phichit would be proud.

For a brief moment he thinks Viktor is going to lean in and kiss him and he isn’t sure how he would feel about that if the other man did.

Not that he doesn’t want to kiss Viktor because, god, he _definitely does_ but he can’t get past the fact this is still so new. Mari and Taiki had been infatuated and affectionate from the start and look at where that got them in the end?

He knows he wouldn’t be able to recover if he let Viktor in like that. If he let himself fall completely and utterly for his soulmate only to wake up one morning to a cold, empty bed and Viktor in the arms of another man.

But...he’s starting realize that Viktor isn’t Taiki. If anything, _he’s_ the one that’s been acting like Mari’s soulmate and that thought alone nearly sends him spiralling back into dark thoughts but he’s pulled back when Viktor squeezes his hand.

“Yuuri?”

He blinks, realizing belatedly that Viktor must’ve said something back and all he did was stare, lost in thoughts that didn’t belong in his mind instead of respond like a normal human being.

Taking a shaky breath he tries to smile but he’s still feels too raw from their conversation to make it convincing. “Sorry,” he says and feeling brave again, laces their hands together. “I was just, um, thinking.”

Viktor frowns in what he’s now realizing is genuine concern instead of annoyance like his anxiety wanted him to believe. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He opens his mouth but can’t bring himself to tell Viktor about what happened between Mari and Taiki just yet. It’s something Mari’s already given him her blessing to tell his soulmate one day because it’s important that his soulmate, _Viktor_ , know why his family might be wary of him when he tells them but he just can’t.

Soon perhaps, but they’ve already had one emotional talk today and another would probably push him over the edge. “Not right now,” he answers. “But maybe soon.”

Viktor just smiles at that and he feels relief so sharp it nearly knocks the breath out of him. “Alright,” his smile grows a little softer as he continues, “But I want you to know you don’t have to tell me at all if you don’t want to, Yuuri. We may be soulmates but that doesn’t mean you owe me anything. Well, aside from when I came here to know why you suddenly ‘ghosted me’ as Chris put it though I don’t understand what ‘ghosting’ is…”

He trails off and the sudden, far off look in Viktor’s eyes is enough to make him laugh. “It um, means someone who just stops talking to you out of nowhere.”

His laughter tapers off then and he looks away, full of guilt and shame for causing Viktor so much unnecessary pain because he’d been _afraid_ but Viktor gently tugs his hand to draw his gaze back. “I realize this may be a little pointless to say...but I’m not angry. I never was. Confused mostly and hurt, yes, but worried too. I’m just glad you didn’t take one look at me and send me back to Russia.”

His heart stutters in his chest and he knows he has no one to blame but himself for Viktor thinking it’s possible Yuuri would ever send him away. He thinks beneath the words that Viktor’s saying he’s worried Yuuri wouldn’t have thought him to be enough and when he realizes that…well he’s going to making sure Viktor _never_ feels that way again.

“I’m sorry,” he says and feels useless for saying it because words won’t ever be enough to fix what he did.

But Viktor smiles at him before bringing their hands up to his lips and kissing each one of Yuuri’s knuckles. “I forgive you.”

And that was that.

 

. . .

 

Yuri arrives in a flurry of teenage angst and far too much anger for a fifteen year old to possess alone and Yuuri wants to be surprised by the teens snapping and snarling words but he isn’t in the slightest.

Thankfully, he’s currently passed out in the small room they managed to put together for him which leaves Yuuri to hide away in his room for some much needed peace and quiet after their rather eventful first day at the rink. The triplets were always a handful on their own but throwing Yuri into their mix as well?

He’s surprised they all survived.

But after a half hour of sitting on his bed playing some mindless game on his DS he realizes he doesn’t really want to be alone _alone._

Sighing, he snaps his DS shut and looks up at the newly bare walls. They seem almost foreign to him without Viktor’s posters hung up all over them and he’s sure Viktor will see how they used to look one day, since he’s positive Mari took several pictures while he was gone for blackmail purposes.

It’s still early enough that Viktor probably hasn’t gone to bed so he pads quietly down the hall to knock on Viktor’s door. He prays it’s loud enough for the other man to hear but not wake up Yuri who’s pretty much sleeping in the closet between their two rooms.

“Come in.”

When he pokes his head inside he sees Viktor curled up on his bed, one hand petting a sleeping Makkachin and the other slowly scrolling through whatever is on his phone screen. Probably Twitter or Instagram and he wonders briefly what his life will look like when Viktor and Phichit meet properly.

It certainly won’t be dull.  

With that thought in mind he smiles and tries to sear this cozy moment into his memory forever and that desire only grows when Viktor looks up, sees it’s him and smiles back, all soft and warm and oh god, his heart is really giving him no choice on the whole falling in love with Viktor front is it?

“Hey,” he says softly as Viktor sits up. “Do you want to come with me to Minako-sensei’s studio?”

And somehow, impossibly Viktor’s smile grows softer as he scrambles out of his bed. “You want me to watch you dance?” Viktor asks, breathless with what is very obvious excitement.

He can’t help but laugh. “No,” he says and Viktor’s face instantly morphs into a pout which only has him laughing harder. “I want to dance _with_ you.”

Viktor makes some kind of hybrid noise between a squeak and giddy laughter as he rushes over to his wardrobe to grab a sweater for the short walk across town. He’s about to turn to grab his own when Viktor grabs a soft looking blue one and tosses it his way.

A blush warms his cheeks as he watches Viktor coo a goodbye to Makkachin, completely oblivious to what this small gesture is doing to his heart. Before he makes the moment weird by standing there stunned and blushing with Viktor’s sweater in his hand he pulls it over his head. It takes all of one second for him to realize that the sweater smells like Viktor and it makes his cheeks warm even more. How is he supposed to recover from this enough to actually walk to the studio?

Viktor, of course, turns to face him at that very moment but instead of his usual teasing over the blush on his cheeks Viktor freezes and his eyes widen.

Looking down, he shuffles self-consciously. The sweater is a little big on him, falling just past his hips with the sleeves brushing his fingertips. It probably looks baggy too since Viktor’s shoulders are broader than his which means he probably looks ridiculous. “Does...does it look bad?”

His voice startles Viktor out of whatever stupor he found himself in and he watches as Viktor shakes his head quickly. “N-no. It looks good on you.”

Is that...a blush across the bridge of his nose? Oh it must be because even the tips of Viktor’s ears seem to have turned red. This is probably the most adorable thing he’s ever seen in his life.

A smile stretches across his lips and he takes mercy on Viktor’s suddenly flustered state by grabbing one of his hands and pulling him out of his room. “C’mon let’s go. I don’t want to stay out too late since Yurio will probably wake us up at the crack of dawn again to go skating.”

He makes a quick pitstop back in his room to grab his bag but soon enough they’re walking through familiar streets, content to just be in each others presence. And it’s nice.

He never thought he’d be able to have comfortable silences like this with anyone outside of his family (and Phichit) and his smile grows as he makes quick work of unlocking the studio when they finally reach it.

As Viktor looks around curiously at the space he flicks on the lights and finds the auxiliary cord for his phone. He isn’t sure which playlist the put on until he feels Viktor walk up behind him and look over his shoulder curiously.

“How about that one?” Viktor says softly as he reaches over his shoulder to point at the playlist he made shortly after meeting Viktor at Sochi.

His smile only grows because of course Viktor would pick that one. “Alright,” he says in what he hopes is an equally soft tone.

As he hits shuffle and the first notes filter through the speakers he realizes this’ll be the first dance with Viktor that he’ll actually remember. When he turns to grab Viktor’s hand, he’s suddenly nervous.

_May I have this dance to make it up to you?_

But Viktor’s smile is still soft and the music isn’t anything too demanding so he lets his mind go quiet as he begins to move across the floor.

_Can I say something crazy? I love you._

Their bodies move almost completely in sync, a push and pull as they spin and take turns leading. It’s practically effortless for him to trust Viktor with this sacred space, to close his eyes and know that he won’t stumble or fall or be dropped.

His heart swells when Viktor dips him with a warm hand on his back and suddenly he feels the other ghost across his cheek. There’s no conscious thought that makes him chase the warmth of Viktor’s touch as he’s pull back up so their chests are nearly flush together.

_Give me both your hands to make it up to you._

He opens his eyes then and finds his breath snatched right out of his chest when all he can see are Viktor’s blue eyes, bright and shining with warmth and affection.

_Let me spin and excite you._

As though it’s as natural as breathing, he takes the lead again and barely resists the temptation to close the distance between them so he can tuck his face into the crook of Viktor’s neck and simply breath and hold this beautiful man in his arms and be held in return.

This has to be a dream because things like this only happen in books or movies. Of course, as soon as that thought crosses his mind Viktor missteps and sends them stumbling for a few moments.

And he can’t help it, he throws his head back and laughs but Viktor joins in too so it’s all okay.

After that, the next few songs are a little more upbeat and while it’s clear that Viktor’s a beautiful ballet dancer it takes him a few fumbling steps to adjust to other styles so Yuuri has his fun with that as he goes through all the ones he knows, laughing all the while.

Eventually though, the playlist comes to an end and plunges the room into near silence except for their heavy breathing. Viktor giggles before flopping down onto the floor next to Yuuri’s bag and stretches his arm out until he manages to grab his water bottle.

Yuuri’s not nearly as winded so he just sits down next to him like a normal person and chuckles as he grabs his water bottle too. “We hardly danced for an hour,” he teases as he pokes Viktor’s side.

The other man tries to squirm away but Yuuri can tell it’s half hearted. “Not all of us have your insane stamina,” Viktor pouts and that has him laughing again because it shouldn’t be so cute on a twenty-seven year old man but it impossibly is.

Thoughtlessly, he reaches out to brush some of Viktor’s fringe out of his eyes. “Says the man who was the first skater to put four quads in his free skate.”

He tries not to smile too widely when Viktor blushes at the affection and oh, he’ll have to do this more often. No wonder Viktor was always trying to get him to blush in the beginning. “Well yes that’s true but I put three of them in the first half. You can probably do three in the second half _and_ not fall on your face.”

And well, okay that has him blushing too because he has a feeling Viktor complimenting his skating and abilities will never cease to surprise him. “Maybe,” he says but the longer he thinks about it the more he realizes Viktor is probably right.

Shaking those thoughts away, he smiles down at Viktor as he takes another drink from his bottle. “Tell me more about your parents,” he says.

Viktor looks startled for half a second before he’s beaming. “What do you want to know?” he asks and honestly he can’t help but think of an excitable puppy when Viktor gets like this. He wonders if this is just a facet of Viktor’s personality or a result of no one bothering to get to know Viktor before this.

The second thought hurts too much to think about so he shoves it far, far back as he thinks over what he’s curious about most. “Um, how did they meet?”

At this Viktor sighs, but it isn’t a sad one he’s pleased to note when Viktor shifts until he plops his head into Yuuri’s lap as if they’ve done this a million times before.

“Papa was on trip to St. Petersburg with some of his friends during their summer break from university,” he begins and it isn’t until Viktor closes his eyes and hums softly that he realizes he’s been running his finger through Viktor’s slightly damp hair.

“While he was visiting the Botanical Garden he literally tripped over mama’s feet because she was reading in her favorite spot trying to enjoy the nice weather,” he continues with a chuckle. “Thankfully mama is a good sport and just had a good laugh as she helped him back up. Back then she made sure to hide her gray Words but her shirt apparent shifted enough for papa to see them anyway. And well, the rest is history as they told me.”

That’s...incredibly sweet. It’s long been known around the world that people with gray Words are usually, well, ostracized in society and it’s something he’s never understood. None of them have any control over what their Words will be and they certainly don’t have control over if or when they meet their soulmate.

Oblivious to his thoughts, Viktor plows on. “They wrote letters to each other after papa went back to Moscow a couple weeks later, they still have them actually, and once mama finished up her classes she went to visit papa in Moscow and wound up staying. Two years later they had me!”

He chuckles and starts to make a comment when Viktor beats him to it, “What about your parents?” he asks, eyes dancing with what can only be contentment.

“Oh,” he says, a little thrown off by the abrupt change from Viktor’s parents to his. “Nothing quite as romantic as your parents,” he says with a soft grin. “My dad is a couple years older than my mom. When they were high school my mom needed help with one of her classes, he ended up being her tutor and they said each other’s Words. After that they were basically inseparable, according to Minako-sensei. She’s been my mom’s best friend since they were little kids.”

By the time he’s done talking, Viktor’s excitement has settled down a little as he smiles up at Yuuri which only makes him blush lightly. “Sounds just as romantic to me,” Viktor says as he leans into Yuuri’s touch. “They’re very sweet.”

For the second time since their talk on the beach he almost desperate with the desire to tell them what’s going on between him and Viktor, to be able to curl up next to him when they eat breakfast in the mornings, but as the moonlight comes in through the window above them and shines down on Viktor he finds himself selfishly wanting to keep these moments to themselves.

He won’t keep what they have from the world forever and he has a feeling even if he did want to he’d fail miserably. It’s going to be impossible contain all this affection he feels for Viktor to just these quiet moments between the two of them for much longer.

“We should head back,” he says when he glances over at the clock above the mirrors.

Viktor frowns and lets his eyes flutter shut. “No, ‘m comfy.”

He pauses as a thought crosses his mind and he’s glad that Viktor isn’t look at his face when it does because he immediately blushes. The suggestion almost slips out but he isn’t quite sure if he’s ready to share a bed with Viktor, even if it is just for some cuddling. “You’ll be more comfortable in your bed, I promise,” he says instead.

Viktor pouts and reluctantly sits up. “Fine, if we must,” he huffs but the corners of his lips quirk in the ghost of a smile and he’s relieved that Viktor isn’t really that upset.

So, he allows himself to laugh as he stands and grabs his bag, “I’m sure Makkachin misses you and we wouldn’t want to make her sad by staying here.”

At the reminder of Makkachin, Viktor gasps dramatically. “You’re right! We’d be horrible dog dads if we made our poor Makkachin sad because we didn’t give her all the cuddles she wants.”

It isn’t until they’ve said good night and parted ways that he realizes Viktor said Makkachin was _theirs_.

 

. . .

 

“Mom! No!” he screeches when he walks into the private dining room to see their family albums spread out across the table and Viktor’s giddy expression.

But it’s too late because when he lunges forward to snatch the album in Viktor’s hands his ridiculous soulmate giggles and holds it out of his reach. “But Yuuri you promised to show me! I got Yurio to come here after all.”

And not even two minutes later, said teenager drags himself into the room, hair a mess as if he literally just rolled out of bed, threw on whatever clothes he found first and trudged downstairs. And well, he wouldn’t be surprised at all if that’s exactly what happened.

Viktor’s face lights up with glee as he turns to face the boy when he plops down next to him. “Yurio! Look it’s baby Yuuri!”

His mom just giggles, looking far too pleased with herself. “That’s his first skating competition,” she says in her accented English and he buries his face into his hands because this is not happening. It’d be one thing if it was just Viktor being shown these embarrassing moments from his childhood but now Yuri will see them too as if he didn’t get enough crap from the teenager.

And right on cue Yuri cackles. “Oi! Katsudon, this costume looks ridiculous!”

At least Minako-sensei isn’t here too because he’s pretty sure between her and his mom he’d be mortified into an early grave over all their stories. Distantly, he prays Mari doesn’t wander in here because she’d be just as bad as Minako-sensei and honestly how has his life come to this?

He feels a gentle tug on his hands and he drops them back to his side. “I think you were absolutely adorable,” Viktor murmurs sweetly as Yuri flips through the album behind them with his mom narrating the moments captured.

“Just wait until it’s me looking at all your baby pictures with _your_ mom,” he grumbles as he crosses his arms. “I bet you won’t find it funny when she spills all your embarrassing moments.”

Viktor’s eyes widen and he can see his soulmate physically keep himself from pulling Yuuri into a hug in front of his mom. His heart aches at the restraint and before he can open his mouth to spill everything to his mom right then and there Viktor asks, “You want to meet my parents?”

He gives Viktor a bewildered look as the words sink in. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

Viktor doesn’t get the chance to answer.

“For fucks sake Katsudon! I can’t believe you and Yuuko actually copied the old geezers dumb routines!” Yuri shouts and his mom shoots him a disapproving look at his poor language which has Yuri looking at least a little ashamed for his outburst.

But Viktor rips his gaze away from him and turns to face Yuri with an exaggerated gasp of despair. “Yurio! I’m absolutely wounded that you think my routines are dumb! I worked hard on those,” he exclaims as he drapes himself across the table, covering the album Yuri had been looking through.

As he’s sure Viktor expected, Yuri’s face morphs into one of pure anger and promptly starts shoving Viktor out of his way. “Stop calling me that!”

“Yurio! Yurio! _Yurio_!”

At this point his mom has made her way to stand by him, out of the line of fire as Viktor and Yuri pester each other like two completely ridiculous brothers. He keeps that thought to himself so Yuri doesn’t turn his teenage rage onto him and gently leans on her when she loops her arm through his.

“They’re such sweet boys,” she says as they watch Viktor laugh openly at Yuri’s failed attempts to get him to move. “Be sure to bring them around next year when you come visit, dear. And you’ll have to give me Vicchan’s address so I can be sure to send all of your gifs there this Christmas.”

He startles at her words and looks at her sharply but whatever words he had on the tip of his tongue wither away when he sees her smiling at the two of them with a knowing look in her eyes.

Before he can ask her just exactly what she’s talking about she pulls her arm away and claps her hands together loud enough to break through Viktor and Yuri’s bickering. “Alright boys! Toshiya needs help unloading this morning’s delivery, come come!”

And in a matter of moments he’s left standing alone with his childhood spread out across the table and his mind swimming with bewilderment.

 

. . .

 

The first week they wake up to humid, sticky mornings of early summer he drags Viktor down to the beach. Or well, maybe drag isn’t the appropriate description because the moment he tells Viktor their plans for the day the other man is practically bouncing around his room to grab everything he’ll need.

Makkachin barks and runs in circles at their feet and he smiles down at her, glad she seems to be excited too despite her age.

There aren’t many people down at the beach by the time they arrive, just a few families who seem to have the same ideas about enjoy the nice weather as well but they all give each other enough space to avoid feeling crowded.

Viktor haphazardly dumps their things onto the sand but he grabs Viktor’s wrist before his soulmate can get too far. “I have a feeling you burn easily so please put on some sunscreen, I still want to skate later too and I refuse to do it with a lobster” he teases and Viktor just rolls his eyes but he’s smiling as he digs around in his bag.

“Fine, fine, but you have to do my back and let me do yours too,” Viktor says when he finally finds the sunscreen and starts putting it on.

His brain immediately supplies him with images that aren’t exactly appropriate for their current situation of being on a public beach and he doesn’t get a moment to shove them away before Viktor’s handing him the sunscreen and turning away so his back is facing him.

It’s only when Makkachin barks impatiently from where she sits on her towel that he snaps out of his daze and somehow manages to squeeze out some sunscreen without his hands shaking too badly.

Viktor coos something he doesn’t catch to Makkachin as he presses his hands between Viktor’s shoulder blades. And how is he meant to survive this? Viktor’s far too beautiful to be fair and somehow he’s supposed to be totally calm as he lets his hands explore every inch of Viktor’s smooth, toned back?

When his hands reach Viktor’s lower back, his soulmate makes a soft, pleased noise and leans back into his touch which does nothing to help his blush. This is completely ridiculous and before he can voice these thoughts out loud, Viktor spins and grabs the sunscreen back. “Your turn!”

He doesn’t get much of a choice in the matter because Viktor grabs his shoulders and turns him around. There’s a brief moment where nothing happens but then Viktor’s hands are on his shoulders again, gently rubbing in the sunscreen and by the time his hands are between his shoulder blades his muscles have relaxed completely.

Oh. Oh this feels really nice.

His own soft, pleased hum escapes before he can catch it and he hears Viktor chuckle gently as his hands move down his back. By the time Viktor reaches his lower back he’s berating himself for being so scared to do more than their occasional cuddling and fleeting touches because this is wonderful and intimate and he feels _safe_.

“All done!” Viktor chirps brightly and his hands fall away from Yuuri’s back and he immediately misses their warmth. But he can’t bring himself to ask for more touches like that.

Instead, he makes quick work of putting on the rest of his sunscreen while Viktor pets Makkachin. As soon as he drops it onto his towel though Viktor’s grin turns mischievous which immediately has him squinting with suspicion. “Viktor why do you -”

He doesn’t get to finish because Viktor wraps an arm around his waist and throws him over his shoulder. “Viktor!” he yells as the other man starts making a mad dash towards the water with Makkachin as his heels.

This is completely ridiculous and he can’t help the laughter that bubbles up his throat when he catches the bewildered expressions of the other people on the beach. He’s sure they’re making quite the scene and Viktor would probably be disappointed if they didn’t cause some sort of commotion.

“If you throw me into the water I won’t hug you for a week!”

Viktor gasps and stops abruptly. Which turns out to be a bad idea because Makkachin runs right into the back of Viktor’s legs which causes him to lose his balance and well…

He ends up in the water anyway.

 

. . .

 

Makkachin is easily the best cuddler he’s ever known and he’s halfway asleep while Viktor reads somewhere behind him while he’s curled around the sleeping poodle on Viktor’s bed. The only sound in the room is the soft turn of pages and the occasional sound from Viktor whenever he reads something particularly interesting.

It’s nice and relaxing and comfortable and definitely what he needs after Viktor helped him get better at landing his quad salchow after dinner. Because even though his stamina is rather good even he finds himself worn out after practicing a jump for a solid forty-five minutes.

“Yuuri?”

A second later he feels Viktor’s hand run through his hair and he smiles as he leans into the touch. “Hmm?” is all he manages to get out in his current state.

Viktor chuckles above him but he doesn’t open his eyes, perfectly content to fall asleep like this. “Have you thought about what I told you at the rink when Yura was here?”

The slight undercurrent of nervousness in Viktor’s tone has him opening his eyes and blinking away the alluring pull of sleep. It takes his mind a couple moments to remember exactly what Viktor is referring too and when it does he pushes himself to sit up properly much to Makkachin’s annoyance.

Right. He knew they would need to have a proper conversation about this sooner or later since they were interrupted the last time.

Biting his lip absentmindedly he fiddles with the blanket Viktor threw over him when he first laid down next to Makkachin. “I have yeah,” he says. “And I have to ask this, but um, are you offering to be my coach just because I’m your soulmate?”

Viktor stills for a brief second and he barely represses the instinct to curl in on himself to avoid confrontation. “I…no, that’s not the only reason but I won’t lie to you and say it doesn’t play a factor into me offering to coach you because it does.”

His heart isn’t sure if it should sink or not at the words and leaves him a confused mess instead. He twists the blanket a few more times before Viktor reaches out to stop him. “I genuinely believe you can reach the top of the podium, Yuuri and I would think that even if I didn’t have your Words on my chest. I want to help you get there, if you’ll allow me.”

“But you didn’t notice my skating until after I said your Words. So how can you be sure?” he asks and immediately bites his lip that he actually let those words slip. He thought he was past the hurt that Viktor didn’t recognize him back in Sochi.

Guilt creeps into Viktor’s expression and Yuuri feels his own for being the reason to put it there. “I know I can never make it up to you that my carelessness hurt you like that…but I’m hoping you can trust me when I say I wholeheartedly believe in your abilities regardless of our Words.”

He searches Viktor’s eyes for any trace of hesitation that could hint at a lie but he doesn’t find anything but sincerity. His shoulders relax and he squeezes Viktor’s hands as he lets out a small sigh. “How would it work though? I don’t want to be the reason you stop skating.”

At his words, Viktor brightens a bit which eases some of the weight off his chest. “Then I won’t stop,” and Viktor says it so simply that for a bewildering moment he believes it’ll be as simple as that but he quickly shakes that away.

“No one’s ever competed and coached at the same time. Is it even allowed? And if it is I don’t want you to burn out because you’re stretching yourself too thin. I know most people think you go out and skate perfect programs without making much of an effort but I know you work just as hard as the rest of us.”

His words taper off when Viktor’s expression goes a little blank and he immediately worries that he said something upsetting and god, this is why he was hoping to avoid this conversation altogether because he just knew he’d mess it up and -

“I worked _too_ hard,” Viktor says which completely derails Yuuri’s thoughts. Because wait what? “I had no life outside skating Yuuri, so all I did was practice. I really only stopped whenever Yakov would ring my parents and suggest they come for a visit to distract me for a few days. I don’t think me needing to drop my practice time down so I can coach you will be bad for me.”

And well, what’s he supposed to say to that? He can’t very well argue against that because Ciao Ciao was always relentless with scheduling in downtime, even in the middle of the season because a burned-out skater was one who made mistakes. And mistakes lead to injuries that could end careers.

Unless you’re Viktor Nikiforov apparently.

“Alright,” he says instead of the numerous other thoughts rattling around in his mind. “Say we work out a schedule that doesn’t completely exhaust you after a month, I’m guessing I’d move to Russia but where would I train?”

At this the guilt comes back a little. “I know you just came home after five years Yuuri, I wouldn’t ask you to move to Russia after just getting back. I’m sure I can work something out with Yakov, maybe finally get him to use Skype -”

He shakes his head and interrupts Viktor. “We both know that wouldn’t work out. I don’t mind moving to Russia,” he says and is surprised to find how true that statement actually rings. “Maybe we compromise? Like we can live in Russia during the season but then live here in Hasetsu during the offseason? With short visits in between?”

The longer he talks, the brighter Viktor’s eyes shine because well, Yuuri’s not flat out saying no to this ridiculous idea that Vikor can somehow coach him and compete against each other at the same time.

(If anyone can do it though, it would be Viktor.)

“I think that’s fair. It’s lovely here so I wouldn’t want to stay away for forever anyway,” Viktor agrees and his smile is warm when he looks at Yuuri.

They still have a lot of logistics to work out both with each other, Yakov, the JSF, the RSF and the ISU of course but he knows deep down that they’re obstacles that they can get past as long as they’re willing to truly go through with this.

“Okay,” he breathes. “Viktor, will you be my coach?”

Viktor positively beams and doesn’t waste another second before he’s pulling Yuuri into a crushing embrace. “Yes, yes of course I will, Yuuri.”

He laughs and says without thinking, “I feel like we just got engaged.”

Immediately after the words slip out of his mouth he tenses and feels his face warm. Viktor freezes too but starts shaking soon after. It takes a heartstopping moment for him to realize it’s because Viktor is laughing with his face pressed into his shoulder as tears leak out of the corner of his eyes.

Now it seems like it’s his turn to pout as he punches Viktor lightly in the shoulder. “Would it be that horrible if we were?” he asks.

And what the heck is he saying? They haven’t properly talked about what they are to each other yet and here he is digging himself a deeper grave by still talking about their hypothetical engagement. But Viktor pulls away abruptly and shoots him an affronted look. “How can you even entertain the possibility that I would ever think being engaged to you would be horrible?”

Still feeling incredibly flustered he shrugs and drops his gaze to look at Makkachin. “Um, because I’m me?”

Viktor’s expression morphs into the closet thing he’s seen to a glare and his eyes widen at the sight of it. “You are a wonderful and beautiful person Katsuki Yuuri and I’d be the luckiest man on the whole planet if you had actually asked me to marry you tonight. And if you seriously ask me one day I will say the same thing I am now.”

 _Oh_.

Oh, he really wants to kiss Viktor.

But apparently Makkachin has other plans and those plans involve her no longer being ignored because she makes an annoyed _boof_ before wiggling her way between them and promptly ruins the moment they had found themselves in.

His heart is still pounding in his chest when he curls up in his own bed a half hour later and he wonders what would’ve happened in Makkachin had just stayed asleep a little longer.

And it isn’t until he’s pressing his face into his hands that he realizes why his heart won’t calm down - he’s _happy_.

 

. . . 

 

Their life has long settled into a routine and half the time he finds himself surprised it’s already been just over a month since Viktor showed up in Hasetsu in the first place. Summer’s well underway and Viktor seems to be really enjoying his time off. 

The entire skating world is chomping at the bits to find out where the great Viktor Nikiforov has disappeared to after winning his fifth world championship but Viktor refuses to post anything on social media to give his location away. 

And he knows Viktor is holding back in part for him because he asked months ago that they keep things just between them as they got to know each other, while Yuuri wrapped his head around everything and got his life together. Which, in hindsight is rather ridiculous because when will his life ever be problem free?

He isn’t as oblivious as Phichit liked to always tease him back in Detroit because he sees his parents share with each other when he comes back from showing Viktor around Hasetsu and he’s noticed them insist to Viktor that he just call them mama and papa on numerous occasions when they enlist Viktor’s help with something around the inn. 

The fact they’re letting him help at all is telling enough really because it means they think of him as more than just a guest or their son’s weird foreign friend. Oh no, he knows his parents well enough to see what they’re doing in their own subtle way. 

They’ve been welcoming Viktor into their family since day one because they likely guessed immediately what Viktor suddenly showing up meant.

And he loves them for never asking to see his Words to confirm their belief.

“I’m going to tell them tomorrow,” he whispers. Part of him is hoping that Viktor’s too close to sleep to hear what he just said but Viktor shoots up and stares at him with wide eyes. 

And he loves Viktor too for never asking him why he hasn’t said anything to his parents. Why he hasn’t properly introduced him to them as his soulmate. Because he knows it must hurt, knows if their roles were reversed and Viktor was keeping him a secret from his parents his heart would crack and threaten to shatter in his chest. 

So, taking a deep breath he says, “I probably should have...told you this a while ago and please know I never, I didn’t mean to hurt you by not saying anything to them.” 

He fidgets with the blanket because he needs something to occupy his hands while his mind races a million miles a minute. And he isn’t too sure why he’s nervous to tell Viktor this because he literally stopped talking to him for no valid reason at all and he’s still here, sitting in his childhood bed looking soft and beautiful. 

But then Viktor grabs his hand and his heartbeat settles a little bit. “I’ll admit, it was upsetting to have Mari look at me and not understand who you are to me and who I am to you when I first showed up but I promise it doesn’t bother me as much now as it did then,” and he barely represses the flinch that’s desperate to run through his body at Viktor’s words. 

He knew this already. What Viktor’s saying isn’t a surprise, he has no real reason to flinch away. 

Taking another deep breath he manages to give Viktor a little smile. “I’m glad that it doesn’t but you still deserve to know why,” he murmurs.  

This isn’t something he enjoys remembering and he knows it’s the same for Mari and his parents. And even though Mari is happier now, even though she told him before he left to America that she’s kind of glad that things happened the way they did because she doesn’t think in the long run she would’ve been truly happy with Taiki  if they had stayed together he can’t help the fact the hurt Taiki caused changed him.

Viktor’s patient and as he spills Mari’s secrets he reminds himself that they are different from his sister and her soulmate. They are their own people and their relationship is only theirs. His voice shakes when he says, “Ever since then I swore if I ever met my soulmate I would wait until I could trust they wouldn’t leave me the same way. I couldn’t...I didn’t want to get their hopes up.” 

He isn’t surprised in the slightest when he feels tears race down his cheeks. They only fall faster when Viktor reaches up to brush them away and asks gently, “Or yours?” 

And, God, he wants to kiss Viktor so badly because he just understands what he’s saying but also what he isn’t saying too and how did he manage to get so lucky to be destined to meet and fall in love with someone so beautiful?

He knows in that exact moment that even if he didn’t have Viktor’s Words on his wrist he’d love him anyway. 

“Mari’s stronger than me, she’s happier now but,” he whispers, “if you - if you leave me the way he did I don’t think I can handled it. And that’s before I knew it was  _ you _ . Once you said my Words I knew it would be worse because...because I’ve looked up to you for so long.” 

There’s a beat of silence and he start to worry that maybe he’s being too much when Viktor promptly derails those thoughts with,“I can’t...I can’t promise we’ll live happily ever after but I  _ can _ promise I will never do something like that to you. I hope you know that and if you don’t, I hope I can prove it to you, one day.” 

And that...that’s enough. Because he knows they’ll both make more mistakes along the way. He’ll let his anxiety get in the way of himself and their relationship again and Viktor’s depression isn’t magically cured just because they find themselves incandescently happy right now. And it’s going to be a nightmare moving to another continent again but...it’s enough that they’ll try their best to get through all of that and come out on the other side. 

“I know you won’t,” he murmurs and blinks away the last of his tears. “That’s why I want to tell them. I almost told them right after we talked on the beach but I wanted to keep you to myself a little longer.” 

And no sooner than the last word leaves his mouth, Viktor’s leaning in and kissing away the tears that remain on his cheeks and he feels so incredibly loved and cherished and safe that he just melts with each kiss. “What am I going to do with you Yuuri?” Viktor whispers and it sends his heart fluttering in his chest. “If you keep saying things like that my heart is going to burst.” 

He sighs in contentment as he crawls into Viktor’s lap and presses his face into the crook of his neck like he’s been wanting to do for weeks now. It isn’t long after Viktor wraps him up in his arms that he’s very well on his way to falling asleep and he’s more than happy to do just that when he feels Viktor start to shift beneath him. 

“No, stay,” he mumbles because he’s awake enough to know that the last thing he wants to happen is for Viktor to take Makkachin and go back to his room down the hall. 

There’s a pause where for a brief second he thinks Viktor’s going try and slip back to his room anyway, but then there’s a whispered, “Okay,” and Viktor shifting them around until he’s comfortably laying on his side with Viktor holding him. 

The last thing he remembers hearing is a soft, “Goodnight, solnyshko.”

 

. . . 

 

He wakes the next morning confused about why he’s warmer than usual before the memory of asking Viktor to stay with him last night tumbles back. They’ve shifted during the night, with Viktor on his back and Yuuri’s head pillowed on his chest and their legs tangled together. It’s not the most comfortable position he’s ever slept in but it’s better in every way despite the fact his one arm is asleep. 

Makkachin snores quietly at their feet, looking incredibly happy to be curled up under the blanket at the foot of his bed and he smiles at her before slowly sitting up. 

He doesn’t go far though, perfectly content to sit there and let his eyes wander over the soft lines of Viktor’s face while he sleeps. And perhaps he should feel a little guilty and creepy for watching the other man sleep but he’s just so beautiful that Yuuri’s completely incapable of tearing his eyes away for even a second. 

Thankfully, Viktor seems to begin waking up and he watches as his soulmate’s brow dips slightly and his nose scrunches up adorably as he slowly blinks. 

He’s struck abruptly with the desire to be able to do this every morning, wake up in Viktor’s arms and watch him slowly wake up from whatever dreams he’s been having during the night. And he realizes that this can be his life, his reality. 

All he has to do is meet Viktor where he’s at. 

When he notices Viktor’s eyes clear of the last remnants of sleep, he smiles and murmurs, “You stayed.” 

Not that he honestly thought Viktor would have slipped out of his bed in the middle of the night. It’s impossible for that thought to even cross his mind when Viktor flew straight to Hasetsu right after the banquet at Worlds. 

But Viktor’s sleepy smile turns sweet. “You asked,” he responds and he reaches up to brush some of Yuuri’s hair from his eyes and God, he’s so in love. 

And it’s as simple as that really. Viktor is willing to give him anything and everything. All he has to do is ask it of him. He’s been so incredibly foolish. 

“I did,” he agrees softly and grabs Viktor’s hand to lace their fingers together. “Breakfast will be done soon and we should probably let Makkachin out too.” 

It’s not like he really wants to get out of bed, frankly he’d be more than happy to stay here all day just curled up in each others arms with Makkachin at their feet completely content. But his parents will wonder where they are and probably send Mari after them and he’d rather they didn’t find out about them by catching them in bed. Even if all they were doing is cuddling. 

No, he wants to look them in the eyes as he’s sitting next to Viktor with their hands tangled together as he tells them about their Words and how exactly their meetings went down. 

Viktor deserves a proper introduction. 

Makkachin interrupts his thoughts by popping her head up from under the blanket and giving them both a lopsided smile that has his heart melting in his chest. It still hurts to look at her sometimes, especially as she’s laying in his bed, right where Vicchan used to sleep but it’s getting easier every day. He knows Vicchan would have loved her and wanted him to love her just as much. 

“You ready?” Viktor’s question pulls him back to the present and he looks over at his soulmate. 

It’s easy to see the underlying question swirling in those beautiful blue eyes and so he softens his smile, brings Viktor’s hand to his lips so he can kiss each knuckle. “Yeah,” he breathes. “I am.” 

They find themselves standing in a doorway that leads out to the front lawn a few minutes later. Makkachin, of course, is more than happy with their new location and promptly rolls around in the dewy grass like she’s in heaven. And as she tries to bite at the grass while rolling he can’t help but laugh because she’s utterly ridiculous. 

“She’s a ridiculous dog,” he voices the thought aloud. “Just like her owner,” he adds because he can’t resist teasing Viktor and when he glances over he sees pink dusting the other man’s cheeks as clutches his heart dramatically. 

He simply rolls his eyes, no longer surprised by the dramatics.  “Don’t you dare try to deny how ridiculous you are,” he says lightly as his eyes track Makkachin across the yard. “Your theme the year after that Rhianna song came out was ‘radiance’ just so you had an excuse to wear the sparkliest costumes possible. You were going on twenty-four, Viktor.  _ Twenty-four _ and you looked like were bedazzled. ”

What he doesn’t say is how beautiful he thought Viktor looked in those costumes, but when Viktor tips his head back and laughs he thinks the other man hears it anyway. 

He’s mid-laugh when he notices his dad out of the corner of his eye and he doesn’t feel even the smallest hints of embarrassment when he catches the soft twinkle in his dad’s eyes. They all know what’s happening, they can see it plain as day and he loves them for waiting until he’s ready to say the words aloud. 

“I just came to let you know breakfast is ready. Take your time though, boys!” and then his dad is gone, no doubt going back to the kitchen to tell his mom what he saw. 

He’s still trying to get his laughter under control when he turns to face Viktor and catches sight of the warmest smile he’s ever seen given freely to him. “You still watched me even though I looked ridiculous,” Viktor murmurs and pulls him forward until he’s wrapped up in Viktor’s embrace. 

His heart races in his chest and his stomach flutters with nerves, but the good kind that makes him feel giddy with excitement. He lets his hand fall from his lips to rest on Viktor’s shoulder as he takes a step closer, loving the way Viktor’s breath catches for a split second when he does. 

“I did,” he murmurs. “And I still bought your posters from that season too even though your smile was wrong.” 

They’s so close now that he swears he can hear Viktor’s heartbeat racing in tandem with his own and the giddy feeling only grows as he tangles his free hand into the soft strands at the nape of Viktor’s neck. 

“It was?”

“Mhmm,” he hums and moves until their foreheads rest against each other. There’s barely any space between them now and his heart gallops faster than ever before when he realizes with a simple tilt of his head he can brush his lips against Viktor’s.  “It’s much more beautiful when it’s real.”

The words hang in the air for a single moment before they’re moving the last inches between them and the moment he feels Viktor’s lips against his own he melts, letting out a pleased hum as he deepens the kiss needing to be closer, needing everything he told himself he could never have. 

Vikor’s arms tighten around him as if he’s trying to pull Yuuri impossibly closer and he wishes desperately that it was possible because this, oh this feels like where he belongs, kissing Viktor against the morning sunlight as Makkachin races happily around. 

It was so ridiculous of him to fear this. To hide away his heart from this stunning, kind, and thoughtful man who yes, may possibly break it one day but he realizes now that experiencing this kind of love even for a moment would make a lifetime of heartache more than bearable. 

Even though he wishes he could continue pressing Viktor up against the doorframe and kiss him senseless for the rest of time he reluctantly pulls away to fill his lungs with much needed air. His cheeks feel warm but he’s so incandescently happy that he doesn’t care one bit. 

And oh. Viktor looks beautiful with his kiss swollen lips beaming with joy, his slightly mussed hair and his own blush dusting the bridge of his nose a pretty pink. He feels his blush deepen but a smile pulls at his lips and he feels laughter bubble up his throat until it’s spilling out between them when Viktor swoops in and presses more kisses to his cheeks and temple and forehead. 

He squirms half heartedly, having no real desire to get away from the affection. 

“I love you,” the words tumble from his lips once Viktor stops his assault of kisses and while there’s a brief spike of anxiety when he realizes he actually said them out loud he quickly discovers that it won’t shatter him completely if Viktor doesn’t say it back. 

Because he knows now that love, the beautiful kind that lasts a lifetime, never expects anything in return. And he doesn’t. Not with Viktor. He’ll be more than content to spend the rest of his life loving Viktor like this, without ever hearing the words said back to him. 

“Yuuri,” Viktor breaths and he opens his eyes to see the other man staring at him with wide, watery eyes and before he can worry about them Viktor’s kissing him again. It lasts only a few moments, long enough for his eyes to flutter closed again. “Oh, Yuuri, I love you too.” 

And oh, he’s crying too it seems. Opening his eyes, he laughs again as he stands on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Viktor’s forehead. “How did I get so lucky?” he asks, an echo of the question Viktor asked him not too long ago after he skated Stammi Vicino. 

Viktor laughs then too as he leans into the kiss. “I ask myself the same thing every day.”

And that was that.

**Author's Note:**

> This little series was such a joy for me to write. Both stories contain little pieces of my own experiences and struggles with anxiety and depression so please keep that in mind if the way I've portrayed Yuuri's anxiety didn't align with your own personal headcanons. After all, everyone experiences these illnesses differently and no one way is right or wrong. 
> 
> In the end, these stories are meant to show Yuuri and Viktor are more than their mental illnesses and even though they certainly affect their lives they are capable of finding happiness and love with each other. 
> 
> Perhaps, one day I'll write little ficlets where they tell Yuuri's parents and Yuuri meets Viktor's because I adore this little universe I've created, it's been a comfort to me over these last few months. So I'll leave the series marked as incomplete for now but the bulk of Viktor and Yuuri's story in this AU is finished and I'm rather pleased with where they each ended. 
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. :) 
> 
> Feel free to find me on tumblr at [ofviktor](http://ofviktor.tumblr.com/). My ask is always open to anyone who wants to cry and flail over these beautiful characters and show. <3


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